>I’ve really debated whether or not I want to write about my struggles with infertility. On one hand, I don’t want to devote another second to it – or at least any more time than is necessary. I don’t want to dwell on it, and I don’t want it to become the focus of my life. On the other hand, I can’t get away from it, and it is a part of my life.

I first started tying to have a child around 2001 with my previous husband. Over 3-4 years, we had testing, tried Clomid and a few IUIs, and continued to struggle. We didn’t deal with things the same way, and we couldn’t communicate. We had a lot of other problems outside of infertility, but I think that for me, dealing with infertility gave me some clarity I may not have had otherwise. I didn’t want to spend any more time being unhappy, and I didn’t want to be married to someone who made me feel bad. We eventually got a divorce.

When I got divorced, I assumed that was the end of thinking about children – and infertility. Some people can’t imagine their lives without being parents and always assume they will have a family. I was never that kind of person. Trying unsuccessfully to have children was enormously difficult for me, but it was dealing with the unknown, the loss of control, feeling isolated, and the inability to plan that really bothered me. It was feeling like I was failing. That’s not to say I didn’t want children, but I could always see my life going either way – with children, or child-free (Of course, I also always thought I would have some big job in a big city and do fancy, cultural things all the time – and in reality, I am quite happy being a librarian in a small midwestern university town) .

A few years later, I married an amazing man. We have a great life and love each other’s company. I realized what ‘happily married’ is supposed to feel like, and I will always be thankful to have met such a fantastic person to share my life with. I love our life, and I don’t want anything to change that. M and I agreed that we didn’t want children when we met, and we expected to always feel that way.

Maybe it’s because we’re getting older…or maybe because we ARE so happy…or maybe for reasons we can’t even put into words…we started talking about the possibility of having children last fall. M knew about my fertility struggles, and he understood it was scary for me. He’s been amazingly understanding.

Since he’s never had to deal with infertility, we agreed initially to just ‘stop preventing’ pregnancy. It was a huge step for him, since the whole idea of having children was new to him. I even thought maybe it was possible I’d get pregnant – my doctors were never able to find anything wrong with me, and they did find some kind of severe infection with my ex that would have made it almost impossible for us to get pregnant (although no one knows how long he had the infection) – so we took that route for a few months. Obviously, that didn’t work out. In April, we tried OPK’s, and in May we switched to the Clearblue Fertility Monitor.

I’m 35, so we’re feeling the weight of time. We live in a state with mandated fertility coverage, so we have a lot of options. We’re coming up on 8 months of ttc, and I know a lot of people would be anxious to start treatment. We’re just not sure. We don’t know how far we want to go with treatment, or for how long. We want to continue to have happy, normal lives, but we don’t want to pass up an opportunity – if this is our only chance. Part of me wants to start treatment, improve our chances, and figure out what’s going on. The other part of me wants to remain hopeful, to keep trying, and to continue to enjoy living our lives. Right now, deciding what to do is the hardest part.

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