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>With tensions mounting, I suppose it was only a matter of time before there was some kind of meltdown…or blow up, depending on how you look at it. Either way, it ended in tears.

I have been trying so hard to remain optimistic – despite the fact I am losing my job, that I have (at least for now) lost all faith in our higher education system, that my department is being closed for entirely political reasons, that I have to start fertility treatment for the second time in my life, that everyone around me seems to get pregnant by just thinking about it, that our home is worth less now than we paid for it, that there are less jobs in my field available right now than I have ever seen before, that I am surrounded by people who don’t know what will happen to them when our office closes, that M. is miserable in his job, and that we can’t relocate because of everything else I already mentioned. It’s not always easy, but I try to make the best of it. We’re so much better off than so many other people – I’ll get paid until at least March, there are other people trying to hire me, our mortgage is affordable, our fertility treatments are covered by insurance, and we have a great home, nice cars, and the best dog on the planet. I try to focus on the positive, but it can be draining.

M. really does hate his job, and he really wants to move. I get it – I really do. But we can’t…and there’s nothing I can do about it. M. was not making the best of it, and it got to a point where I just couldn’t take it anymore. I got angry, and then later, there were tears.

It actually felt good. I think I needed it. I’m really good at making the best of it and staying positive – especially on the outside. I can keep it up for a while, and then I crumble. Apparently, last night was M.’s turn to vent (about work)…but it quickly escalated into more of a blowing up. It made me fall apart. Everything he talked about just seemed so minor, and I really just couldn’t take another ounce of negativity. We fought a little, and then I started crying.

I woke up this morning to a beautiful day, and I feel a little drained, but liberated.

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>There really isn’t much going on right now…I know I’ll be away when I ovulate, so I’m really just looking ahead to September. I do need to call my doctor to find out what the plan is…and how I’ll get the results of my tests. I know she was trying to get a good amount of information together – the S/A, my bloodwork, and my bbt charts. I haven’t brought my chart over yet, though, because I only have one month so far. I feel like 2 months would be better, because one month is so little information. I suppose I should leave that up to her, but I was thinking I would send both over – maybe after I ovulate this time. But, at the same time, I’m not sure if I am supposed to make another appointment or what. It’s a little confusing. I was paying attention, but it was a lot of information, and I was so focused on remembering to do my CD3 b/w that I don’t think I even asked what to do after that. I’ll probably just give them a call this week or next.

I’m kind of glad I don’t have any fertility stuff to deal with this month. I am totally in the habit of taking my bbt now, so it’s an easy month. It’s a good thing, too, because my department at work is being shut-down, and it’s draining. I may have something worked out for another job, but it’s still stressful to not know for sure how things will work out. And just getting through it – with a bunch of other people who also don’t know what will happen to them – is tiring.

I’ll be ready to jump back into ttc full force after my vacation in August, though! I’m really curious what the doctor will have to say.

>Thanks to everyone who posted on my blog over the past week! It was great to read everyone’s responses, and I was happy to find some new blogs to read, too. I don’t know if I’ll do it next time or not…I honestly had a hard time getting in all my comments each day. If I don’t do it next time, I’ll definitely do it again down the road. It’s so nice to get feedback and support from people who are (or have been) in similar situations.

Thank you! 🙂

>I updated my blog today…I think it’s a big improvement! It makes me happy when I see it – and that’s good!

I went to my doctor’s office this morning for my CD3 bloodwork, and they got me in and out in a snap! That made me super happy, because I know it’s something I’ll have to keep doing. Since this isn’t an RE – and my only experience was with an RE (in my previous marriage) – I wasn’t sure what to expect.

I’ve been doing some thinking lately about my experience with the RE I saw five years ago, and I hope that if I do need to see an RE in the future, it isn’t like the one I saw in the past. Whenever I’ve talked about my previous experiences with infertility, I’ve always told people how it was so stressful, unpleasant, etc. Of course, that’s true no matter what, but I really think that my ex-husband and the RE I was seeing made it worse. I know part of it is just the way RE’s work, but to me, that doesn’t make it acceptable. The amount of time to wait for bloodwork and ultrasounds was rediculous (1-2 hours, first thing in the morning), and I didn’t like their approach to treatment. Before any kind of testing, they decided we would do Clomid + IUI for 3 cycles, followed by injections + IUI. We did some testing while in treatment, but I never really knew the results. I would ask, and they would tell me that unless I was told otherwise, to assume that things were fine. When I asked specifically about the S/A, they said the same thing. Two months later, during my second IUI (I was already laying on the table), the nurse (or whoever did the procedure) told me that the chances of the IUI working were like 2% because my ex-husband had serious problems with his sprem. They thought he had an infection, because many of them in the sample he gave were dead, formed improperly, and swimming the wrong way. There weren’t many of them, either. Apparently, this was also true the month before, and in the sample he gave, but no one told me until then. It was the worst one yet, but it seems like someone should have addressed it earlier…or not even planned for treatment until that was dealt with (he has since had a child, so I am assuming it was correctable).

I like to know what’s going on, and I like to have a plan. If I have tests, I want to know the results. So far, I am happy with my doctor. No, the treatment isn’t as aggressive as if I were seeing an RE, but she seems thorough. M. Did his S/A a couple of weeks ago, and I did my bloodwork today. I’m not sure what the plan will be, but I’m optimistic that I’ll have a better experience than I did in my previous marriage. M. is such a great, positive, and supportive husband, and I really like my doctor and her office. I’m comfortable there, and I don’t think I’ll have any problems asking questions – and getting answers. I may need to see an RE down the road, but for now, I think this is a good step for us.

>I suspected AF was arriving any day (or minute), but I was really hoping it would at least hold off until Saturday to allow for CD3 b/w on Monday. Luckily, that part worked out. Unfortunately, I woke up at 5 am with pretty bad cramps, but at least it didn’t happen on Friday. That would have been irritating.

Yesterday was not the best day…I went to the dentist, found out I had a cavity, realized I had to pay upfront because the state dental insurance company is so slow to pay out, had cramps, found out that the scheduled maintenance on my car cost about 6 times what I was hoping for, and got a bill for M’s SA. It says on the bill that his policy doesn’t cover fertility testing. I’m assuming it’s because the parent company where is works is based in CA, and they are the ones who offer insurance (we live in a state with mandated coverage for fertility testing, but there are exceptions – like a parent company based in another state). I’m really glad I have my own insurance!!!

I had a nice night, though…made homemade pizzas on the grill (with my own dough!), relaxed, and had some delicious wine. I still have cramps today, but I’m glad at least to be moving on and getting some testing. August will be kind of screwed up, anyway, because I’ll be out of town right when I should be ovulating. So, we’ll really be on a break in August and should have some kind of a plan for September (or October at the latest).

>After my depressing post yesterday, I feel like I have a fresh perspective. Nothing is different…but the sun is shining, and its Friday. My temp is still high and AF has not showed up yet, but I’m not terribly optimistic. I hope that my body at least does me the favor of waiting until tomorrow or Sunday for AF to begin, because I have a dentist appt. today and also have to get my CD3 b/w this month. I’ve always assumed that the day AF arrives is CD1 (someone please correct me if I am wrong!), and my dr.’s office is closed on Sunday. They said it’s not a big deal if I get the b/w on CD4 instead, if CD3 does happen to fall on a Sunday, but I would rather it be on the correct day. So, hopefully my body will cooperate…and if it won’t give me a baby right now, at least make it possible to get b/w on the right day. I’m trying to be positive, though, and am thinking thoughts like ‘come on body, we can do this!’ 🙂 What “this” is could mean getting pregnant or just cooperating in general…but I’ll take what I can get.

TGIF, everyone!

>I’ve had so many thoughts swirling around in my head for the last few days. It seems like this always happens at the end of the 2ww…the thoughts in my head take on a new force, and it’s harder to escape the reality that we’re living.

M. would love to get a new job, and that’s been true for a while. I don’t exactly love mine, either (and I might get laid off, anyway). There are no other jobs for him here, so we would have to move in order for him to change jobs. I don’t have a problem with that, since there isn’t much really keeping us here. At least, that’s what I think. Then, I realize…

– The value of our home has gone down; we live in a condo, so there wouldn’t be much of a difference between the sale/listing price of other condos and ours. While it’s worth slightly more than we owe, we would likely lose the 20% we put down when we bought it if we were to sell it. We wouldn’t be able to buy another home in the foreseeable future.

– If we can’t sell or rent the condo, we would have to pay our mortgage + rent in another state. That could be expensive, especially when…

– I work in higher education, and jobs are scarce right now. There is literally nothing for me to apply for in the state we could potentially move (of course, the future of my job has been questionable for months, so I’m not exactly in a great position to begin with).

– We live in a state with mandated infertility coverage.

Logically, I think we have to delay our potential move. The combination of negatives is just too great right now. Thinking about these issues, though, really bothers me. It bothers me that M. made a substantial amount of money on the sale of his previous home, and now it’s stuck in a home that’s losing its value. We thought we were doing a good, smart thing by buying a small, affordable home instead of renting, and now, that decision is holding us here.

I thought I was choosing a stable, rewarding career by becoming a college librarian, and instead, I am working for a corrupt university and may not have a job in the spring. I am still paying off my student loans, and jobs are scarce. It is so frustrating that my lack of ability to get another job is preventing M. from moving on in his career.

And then there’s the fertility aspect. This part bothers me most of all, because I don’t want to be in this situation in the first place. It wasn’t up to me – it just is. I want to be pregnant – not structuring my life around getting fertility treatment. The fact that testing and treatment in other states is so expensive is like salt in the wound…no one wants to be in this situation, and the lack of insurance coverage in some (or most) states just makes it that much worse. I know that if we move (and especially if I can’t get a job, sell our place for a reasonable amount of money, and am still not pregnant), fertility testing and treatment would be off the table, at least for now…and I’m 35.

So, we’re stuck, at least for now. I know that we have it so much better than so many other people right now, but I’m still frustrated. I just keep thinking – if I could just get pregnant, if I could just know what the future holds – then I could move on. But I can’t.

I know I’ve talked about all this before, but the idea of moving keeps resurfacing. We’ll think we have set it aside as something that just cannot happen right now, but then it’s back. Before I know it, we are looking at potential homes, and M. is getting ready to apply for the job he really wants. I get excited, and my enthusiasm spreads to M. Then, we are at the end of the 2ww and I remember. We are trying to have a child, and I don’t know how it’s going to happen – or if it’s going to happen. My enthusiasm comes to a screeching halt, and I am frozen.

>I have no idea why I just noticed this, and I almost wish I didn’t, but I just realized that I spelled “again” incorrectly when I set up my blog! It’s been almost two months, and I only noticed today. That is going to drive me crazy! There’s no going back now, so maybe I’ll start writing about infertility and lack of attention to detail. 🙂

I had plans to write something today, but I am drawing a complete blank because of my typo.

One thing I have been thinking about a lot is exercise. My weight is “good,” according to my dr., but I’m a little on the heavy side for me. I would like to lose 5 lbs. Even the W.ii F.it says I should lose 7 lbs…because while my B.M.I. is normal, it’s on the high side of normal. I know…what am I complaining about, then?

The problem is that if I am not pregnant this cycle, my dr. will start to come up with a treatment plan for me. My guess is that the first thing we’ll do is Clomid. I have been on Clomid before (in my previous marriage), and it actually worked fairly well for me. They felt I realeased two eggs each time I was on it, and my lining was fine. I had a hcg trigger shot, too, which this current dr. may skip. Anyway, my point is that I was on it before, and when I was – I gained weight.

It came right off within 2 months of taking it, but still…I want to lose 5 lbs now, and I will likely gain 5-8 lbs on Clomid. If I could lose my 5 lbs now, I would have a better place to start from. I eat a really healthy and low-saturated fat diet, so I can’t cut much there. I really just need to exercise. We walk our dog for 20 minutes every day, but I need more intensity (or quantity) to lose weight. That leads me to wonder…how much exercise is really ok when ttc?

>I signed up for IComLeavWe this morning. I meant to yesterday, but then I forgot to do it when I got home from work. Hopefully, I wasn’t too late!

I’m about mid-way through the 2ww, and I’m happy my temps have straightened themselves out a bit for the chart I’ll have to give to my doctor. I’m finally remembering to do it when I wake up, and I’m finding it possible (although not always easy) to not obsess about it.

When I was away with friends last weekend, I was really stunned by the number of people they mentioned that we grew up with who not only have a child, but two children! Sometimes, I forget that it’s easy for other people to become pregnant and have a baby. When I find out someone is pregnant, I don’t (usually) have any way of knowing how long it took them or how much they had to endure to get there. When I see or hear that someone is pregnant with #2, though, I always seem to be surprised. I think that especially since this is my second time dealing with infertility (I tried to have a child with me ex-husband, without success), I feel like it’s just a way of life now. When M. and I decided to start trying, I already knew there were no guarantees. When I hear about people my age having baby #2, though, the sting is greater. It’s not that I wish to deprive them of having more than one child, but it is somehow shocking to me that someone could actually get pregnant and have a child – twice! When getting to one is so difficult, two seems really beyond reach.

It’s also a reminder of time passing by. I hope that some day I am surprised by my own luck, instead of the luck of others.

>We’re back from our weekend away…it was so much fun!

I kept taking my bbt while I was there (although at somewhat inconsistent times), and my chart is looking more normal. I was pleasantly surprised to enter the temp’s when I got back, and it gave me an ovulation line! I really thought I had screwed it up enough that I wouldn’t get one, but I did. The only thing I’m torn about is one temp. from CD12. It was really high because I had too much to drink the night before and stayed up way too late. If I discard it, it puts my ovulation at CD 14, but if I keep it, it puts it at CD15. My fertility monitor gave me the peak reading for the first time on CD 13, so I am thinking CD14 is probably more accurate than 15. Plus, if my temp had not been so rediculously high, I think it would have calculated CD 14, too. So for now, it’s discarded.

So, now I wait…probably for less than a week, since my lp is usually on the short side. It’s hard not to get my hopes up at all, but at the same time, I can’t say I’m overly optimistic. I am somewhat focused on the months ahead and getting some testing and results in August, but I would be beyond thrilled if it didn’t come to that.

History

2014
May: BFP for baby #2, due January 2015

2013
July: Our daughter is born!

2012
November: Still pregnant. Fingers crossed! EDD 7/5/13
October: retrieval 10/12; 5dt 10/17; BFP!!! 10/25-hcg=70; 10/29-hcg=391
September-October: IVF, microdose lupron flare protocol
June-July-August: approved! dealing with scheduling issues and most likely starting IVF in September
May: waiting for insurance approval to start treatment
April: laparoscopic surgery to remove endometrioma on left ovary; diagnosed with stage 3 endo
March: RE finds cyst - suspects endometrioma; also high FSH, low AMH
February: consult with RE; bloodwork, hsg

2011
January-February: Acupuncture once per week, vitex and natural progesterone after ovulation; back to charting bbt
March-April: end of ttc
May:diagnosed with severe cervical dysplasia (CIN III)
July-August: L.E.E.P. procedure and recovery

2010
December: Start acupuncture
May-November: Not actively trying/on a break/enjoying life
April: Not actively trying, still waiting for insurance coverage for injectables
January-March: still waiting to start injectables

2009
December 09-March 10: On a break while waiting to start injectables
November 2009: 50 mg Clomid CD 5-9; BFN
October 2009: All tests normal; Take 50 mg Clomid CD 5-9; BFN
July 2009: Ob/gyn asks for bbt chart, S/A, CD3 b/w; plan tbd.
April/May 2009: Switch from OPKs to the Clearblue Fertility Monitor
March/April 2009: Start using OPKs and bbt

2007-2008
Sept/Oct 2008: Stop preventing; 'if it happens, it happens'
Summer 2008: Stop BCPs; using bbt chart to prevent pregnancy
May 2007: Married again! husband #2; no plans for children

Previous Life
Fall 2005: Divorced
Summer 2005: See RE; more b/w, clomid challenge test, sonohysterogram; 2 Clomid IUI cycles - BFN; male factor discovered (he now has a child with wife #2)
Spring 2003: See ob/gyn for IF, get b/w and HSG; All results normal; Husband #1 gets S/A, which he says is normal; results never sent to ob/gyn
Spring 2002: Stop BCPs, begin ttc and charting bbt
Oct 2000: Married to husband #1