>I’ve had so many thoughts swirling around in my head for the last few days. It seems like this always happens at the end of the 2ww…the thoughts in my head take on a new force, and it’s harder to escape the reality that we’re living.

M. would love to get a new job, and that’s been true for a while. I don’t exactly love mine, either (and I might get laid off, anyway). There are no other jobs for him here, so we would have to move in order for him to change jobs. I don’t have a problem with that, since there isn’t much really keeping us here. At least, that’s what I think. Then, I realize…

– The value of our home has gone down; we live in a condo, so there wouldn’t be much of a difference between the sale/listing price of other condos and ours. While it’s worth slightly more than we owe, we would likely lose the 20% we put down when we bought it if we were to sell it. We wouldn’t be able to buy another home in the foreseeable future.

– If we can’t sell or rent the condo, we would have to pay our mortgage + rent in another state. That could be expensive, especially when…

– I work in higher education, and jobs are scarce right now. There is literally nothing for me to apply for in the state we could potentially move (of course, the future of my job has been questionable for months, so I’m not exactly in a great position to begin with).

– We live in a state with mandated infertility coverage.

Logically, I think we have to delay our potential move. The combination of negatives is just too great right now. Thinking about these issues, though, really bothers me. It bothers me that M. made a substantial amount of money on the sale of his previous home, and now it’s stuck in a home that’s losing its value. We thought we were doing a good, smart thing by buying a small, affordable home instead of renting, and now, that decision is holding us here.

I thought I was choosing a stable, rewarding career by becoming a college librarian, and instead, I am working for a corrupt university and may not have a job in the spring. I am still paying off my student loans, and jobs are scarce. It is so frustrating that my lack of ability to get another job is preventing M. from moving on in his career.

And then there’s the fertility aspect. This part bothers me most of all, because I don’t want to be in this situation in the first place. It wasn’t up to me – it just is. I want to be pregnant – not structuring my life around getting fertility treatment. The fact that testing and treatment in other states is so expensive is like salt in the wound…no one wants to be in this situation, and the lack of insurance coverage in some (or most) states just makes it that much worse. I know that if we move (and especially if I can’t get a job, sell our place for a reasonable amount of money, and am still not pregnant), fertility testing and treatment would be off the table, at least for now…and I’m 35.

So, we’re stuck, at least for now. I know that we have it so much better than so many other people right now, but I’m still frustrated. I just keep thinking – if I could just get pregnant, if I could just know what the future holds – then I could move on. But I can’t.

I know I’ve talked about all this before, but the idea of moving keeps resurfacing. We’ll think we have set it aside as something that just cannot happen right now, but then it’s back. Before I know it, we are looking at potential homes, and M. is getting ready to apply for the job he really wants. I get excited, and my enthusiasm spreads to M. Then, we are at the end of the 2ww and I remember. We are trying to have a child, and I don’t know how it’s going to happen – or if it’s going to happen. My enthusiasm comes to a screeching halt, and I am frozen.