>I haven’t been posting much, probably because I am spending so much time writing cover letters. It’s been taking me longer than I expected to figure out exactly what I want to say, and the best way to say it.

In the meantime, we are still ttc. M dropped my bbt charts off at the doctor’s office this week, so I would expect to meet with her within a few weeks. I’m not sure what’s ahead. On one hand, I want to get the ball rolling, but on the other, I’m hesitant. If she actually finds a problem or has a suspicion that there’s something specific preventing me from getting pregnant, that’s one thing. If she thinks everything looks fine, though, I’m just not sure what I want to do right now. Part of me wants to give it more time, and part of me doesn’t want to waste time. Another part of me just wants to stop thinking about it.

I went to a party last night for one of my coworkers. It was a lot of fun…lots of drinks, tasty food, and good conversation. Since we’re all getting laid off, future plans were a big topic. It’s sort of inspiring – so many of us are really looking at this as an opportunity for change. Instead of taking the first job that’s available in the town we all currently live in, a lot of us are thinking about where we really want to live and what we want to do. A lot of people are applying for jobs out of state, and it’s sort of exciting. It’s amazing, though, what a difference it makes if you have a child. One of my coworkers told me she was envious of us because we didn’t have children. Her kids are in school, and she feels tied to the area. While it stung for a minute (she doesn’t realize we’ve been trying to have kids), the fact that we don’t have children does make us more flexible. Another one of my coworkers wants to start his own business, but is concerned because they have a baby on the way.

I would have loved it if we had gotten pregnant right away…I would already have a baby by now. I would have loved it if I got pregnant last month, too, or any of the months in between. I would love it if I was pregnant right now, and instead of looking for another job, I would just work for the 6 months I have left and then be a stay at home mom for a year.

But I’m not. And instead, we’re making plans to possibly move…exciting plans that might allow M to work at one of the best places in his field, at a place he has always wanted to work. I’m writing cover letters for jobs that will give me a fresh start and getting excited about the idea of starting over together. While it would be great if I were pregnant, we do have options right now that we would not pursue if we had a child. We may end up staying where we are, but at least we will have tried. I don’t always buy into the idea that everything happens for a reason, or if the time is right, it will happen. Part of me, though, wonders if this is just the way things are supposed to be right now. Maybe, in the end, it will all work out, and I’ll be glad things went the way they did.

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