>I know I haven’t been posting here much, but I just don’t have much to say. I’d like to say that no news is good news, but it’s really that I have no news at all.

I’m still writing cover letters and waiting to hear from the people I’ve already contacted. M submitted his application and is now just waiting. I’ve been having a lot of weird dreams…probably from so much uncertainty in our lives right now.

I ovulated late again this month. At first, I was thinking it was because I stopped taking EPO, but after looking at my calendar, I’m not so sure. In May, I wasn’t charting my bbt, but I was using the fertility monitor. So far, it looks like I always ovulate on the second peak day. That means I would have ovulated on CD 16 in May and CD14 in early June. By later June, I was doing both the bbt and fertility monitor, and I ovulated on CD 14 again. That’s why ovulating on CD21 in July and CD 18 this cycle seemed abnormally long. Before May, though, I wasn’t using the fertility monitor or charting. My cycles were a little long (30 days in Jan, 30 days in Feb, 28 days in March, 28 days in April, and 30 days in early May), so I would assume that I ovulated on CD 19 for all the 30 days cycles (my lp is almost always 11 days-with an occasional 12).

Anyway…my point is that I can’t find any rhyme or reason to the change. I know it’s still within normal limits, but it’s interesting that there’s that much of a fluctuation.

I haven’t called the dr. yet to go over all our tests and come up with a plan. I just don’t know if I have the mental energy right now. Taking something like Clomid right now just seems like a bad idea…with everything else that we have going on. Work has been draining. It alternates between boring and stressful, but the fact that we’re closing is always weighing in the background. People keep leaving, and while I’m happy for them, it’s a reminder that I still don’t know what I’m going to do. It’s hard to be motivated and productive when no matter what you do, your job is still going away. Between that and not knowing yet what we’re going to do or what jobs we’re going to have, starting fertility treatment may not be such a hot idea.

The other issue with it is I have doubts that it will work. I’m ovulating already, so I don’t have a lot of confidence that ovulating more will make a difference. It probably doesn’t help that I went through two unsuccessful Clomid cycles cycles with my ex-husband. I responded well (almost too well – they were concerned I had way too many eggs), but it wasn’t until after two cycles that they realized he had serious problems with his sperm. After all that, though, he DOES now have a child (without any medical intervention and minimal time trying), and I do not. I just don’t have a ton of faith in that field of medicine, at least for me. I know they have done a lot of great things for a lot of people and had success, but I am jaded a little by my previous experience. I know there’s a possibility it could work, and if it had been three months ago (when our lives were fairly certain and relatively normal), I would have given it a shot under a ‘what have I got to lose’ approach. I’m afraid that right now, my sanity would be on the line.

I do intend to call the doctor, though, and at least see what she has to say. I have NO privacy in my office at work, which is also causing a delay. My plan is to at least have a chance to call within the next week, so hopefully I can see what she thinks before the end of the month. I doesn’t mean I’m committed to do anything, but I’d like to hear what she has to say.

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