>I’m at 9 dpo today, so AF should arrive by the end of the week. M asked me recently if I felt bad about our inability to get pregnant so far. I’m not a very emotional person (especially outwardly), and with everything else we have going on, it’s probably not very obvious how I feel about it. I was glad he asked, but honestly, I don’t really even know the answer.

I obviously don’t feel good about it…it’s frustrating that we don’t know if we will ever have a child or what we should do about it. I don’t know if we should start treatment, try some other approach (acupuncture, etc.), keep trying, or just let it go. I see people with babies and think about how they didn’t have to deal with this, and it bothers me. People assume I can get pregnant whenever I want to, and the fact that they think that just shows how little they know about my life.

Last week, a coworker asked me about my job options, since we are all getting laid off. One position that will be available soon is similar to what I do now, except that it’s part time. I have serious issues with it, because my job is full time with a full time amount of work (if not more). I don’t see how it would be possible to succeed in the part-time job, because of the nature of the work. I also like my full time salary! After explaining that to my coworker, she said, ‘yeah but wouldn’t it be nice to work part time if you had kids?’ I said that it would, but since I am not pregnant and don’t have a child right now, I’d rather just keep working full time. She said ‘yeah, but you could get pregnant and have a baby, and then it would work out.’ ‘Right, I said…but I am not, so I don’t want to structure my life as if I am.’ Obviously, it’s hard for her to grasp that just because I’d like to be pregnant, doesn’t mean I will be. M’s coworkers have said similar things. When they heard I was losing my job, they said ‘perfect time to have kids, then!’ It’s so frustrating that it doesn’t even occur to them that not everyone can have kids when they want to.

All of that upsets me…and it would have been fantastic if I got pregnant a year ago when we started trying. But we didn’t. I’d still be thrilled if we did, but with so many other things happening right now, I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about it. I would say that it’s the insensitivity of others (like the woman at Sam’s Club who was trying to sell formula and insisted on asking me not once – but twice – if I ‘had any babies at home’) that gets to me more than anything right now.

What I’d like to have is some certainty. We don’t know where we’ll be living or working in the months ahead, and we have no way of knowing which decision is the right one. We don’t know if we’ll ever have children, or if we will – when that might be. All we can do is take one day at a time, control what we can, and hope for the best. And try to refrain from throwing things at the formula lady at Sam’s Club. 🙂

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