>I start my first day of Clomid tonight! I’m sort of excited, which is sort of weird. I honestly don’t expect much from it, and I’ve taken it before. But, I think it just feels good to be doing something.

I’m not a really high-strung person, but I don’t like uncertainty. When my ex-husband and I tried to get pregnant, I seriously freaked out. And I was freaked out early on, too. I remember we had been trying for six months, and I knew right then that something wasn’t right. I think I started getting nervous around 4 months, and by 6, I was really upset. I had been doing my bbt charts, and I could tell I ovulated every month. I could tell we timed everything perfectly, but I wasn’t pregnant. I was 27. I was scared, and I didn’t know what was going to happen. My ex-husband dismissed my fears, and he even complained to his mother about it. He said he didn’t want to deal with me being upset every month, and that I was blowing things out of proportion. A year later, I had a HSG and got the all-clear. He had a SA, but he wouldn’t let me go into the office with him when he got the results. I never really knew what they were, except that they were “mostly fine and shouldn’t cause a problem.” Later on, the tables were turned. He put a lot of pressure on me to see an RE and said that we HAD to have a baby. He said I would ruin his life if I didn’t make it happen. I went to the RE, but I was on my own. He never went to any appointments with me, and if I said anything about being uncomfortable or not feeling well, he got mad at me. It was a terrible time. When I found out at my second IUI that he had some kind of infection, he wasn’t there. I had to call and give him the news. He didn’t believe me, even though I’m fairly sure they told him something similar when he had the SA done a year or two before. I don’t know if he ever went back to the doctor to get the prescription and vitamins they said he should take. I don’t know because we divorced a few months later.

That whole time period of my life was so dark. I was so unhappy, and I felt like I would never get out of it. I knew he was serious when he said he HAD to have a baby. He had a lot of problems with depression and anxiety, and I knew he thought it would make him feel better. I had made him feel better at one time, but it didn’t work anymore. He needed something new.

I didn’t see it in front of me at the time. I was so used to walking on eggshells and not thinking about what I wanted or needed, that it seemed totally normal. Going through infertility treatment, though, made it so obvious. And it made me so angry – angry enough that I could leave.

Going through this with M. is SO different. It’s still hard, and I still wish we didn’t have to go through this hardship. At the same time, though, I have an optimism that I didn’t have before. I really think that something will work out and that I eventually will have a baby. If it doesn’t, it will be sad, but I know that we will still have a happy life together.

When we first started trying, I was so scared. I spent almost my entire previous marriage trying to have a child, and I never knew how many of our problems began with infertility. I’ll never know, but I know that won’t happen now. Going through this with M. makes all the difference in the world, and I’m strangely calm and optimistic.