>This cycle has been kind of strange. My fertility monitor is still reading as “high,” even though it’s CD 17. Last month – taking the same amount of Clomid for the same number of days – I got the peak reading on CD 16. Now, it’s possible I could get the peak reading tomorrow, but I sort of feel like I already ovulated. My abdomen was so swollen on Friday and Saturday, and now it’s not as bad. I had some O pains on Saturday, too, and now I just have some occasional cramping. I had EWCM on Friday and Saturday, but I don’t today. My bbt went up on Saturday, but unfortunately, I had a few glasses of wine over the weekend. My temperature was high yesterday morning and this morning, but it could have been the wine. I also slept really terribly last night and woke up a billion times, so I don’t know that today’s temperature was even very accurate. So, I guess the next few days will be more telling. I’ll be super curious to see what my temp will be tomorrow, and whether or not the monitor will ever give me a peak reading. I am running out of test sticks, so hopefully I won’t need too many more!

I’m looking forward to either being pregnant (obviously) or having the next month off from medication, testing, etc. We’ll be traveling to see my family, and it will be nice to not keep track of what CD it is, take my temperature, use my fertility monitor, take clomid, etc. On the other hand, it will be a little weird to be home and still not be pregnant. I told my family that we were trying when I was there in August, and at that point, it had almost been a year. Now, I’ll be home in December, and things are essentially the same…I’m still not pregnant, and no one knows why.

When I was home in the summer, I got into a little bit of a heated discussion with my mother when I said we were ‘having a hard time getting pregnant.’She said we weren’t ‘having a hard time,’ and that it just takes some people longer than others. I think she’s beginning to understand that we really do have a problem, even though doctors can’t figure out what it is. I think she’s had an especially hard time believing that there is something wrong with me.

When I was married before, we tried to have a child for three years. In the end, the RE felt it was my ex-husband’s (then husband’s) sperm that caused our difficulty conceiving. I think to my mom, that meant there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. It’s always seemed like, to her, having an explanation – and especially an explanation that no longer affects me (since we are now divorced) – means I was never infertile. When M and I decided to ttc, I already knew that my ex-husband and his wife were expecting a baby. I hoped we wouldn’t have a problem conceiving, but I knew we might. When I found out my ex-husband was expecting a baby, part of me knew that the previous RE from years ago may not have been completely accurate.

I can tell that my mom is searching for answers. She says things every now and then about articles she’s read, or things that she’s looked up. It’s good, in a way, because I think she’s realized that what we’re experiencing is beyond ‘it taking some people longer than others.’At the same time, though, I don’t want her to worry about it. We do have a problem, and we’re dealing with it. I don’t know what the outcome will be, but I know we’ll get through it. I don’t know if we’ll ever learn why it isn’t just happening for us, but I think we have to just keep moving forward.

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