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Ever since we decided to give up the idea of relocating and getting new jobs (I guess it was in October or November), the question of how long we’ll stay here has been a nagging thought in the back of our minds. We were satisfied with our decision at first, but as the cold crept in and our feelings about our jobs began to worsen, we’ve wondered if we’re doing the right thing. At first, a month went by where neither of us suggested moving, but since then, it seems like it’s a constant topic of discussion. Every time, we decide to stay – because there are so many practical reasons for staying – but before you know it, we’re talking about it again. One of us will see a job we’re dying to apply for, or another person we know will announce that they’re moving on.

There are a few practical reasons for staying (we would have to rent our place, rather than sell it, I would lose some retirement money, and we make good money here), but one that has always weighed heavily has been that we have insurance coverage for infertility treatment. I think that’s one of the reasons I was so upset when I encountered all these insurance hurdles – because I gave up a great job for this coverage! Since then, I think I’ve become more conscious of what we’re giving up in our quest to have a child.

I kept thinking about my post the other day – where I questioned how much I was willing to sacrifice – and wondered why I would feel differently now than I did a few months ago. I know a lot of people sacrifice a lot more than I have – money, time, emotions, and so much more – but I realized yesterday that I have some regret about passing on that job. I don’t like my new job at all, and I miss feeling like I’m making a difference. I gave up a great job that could have led to a lot of exciting things, but I gave it up for the possibility of having a child. And now, with my ongoing insurance issues (and no pregnancy), it seems like it was all for nothing. M. hates his job, and it really bothers him. I am starting to wonder how much practicality really matters…and how much I am willing to put on the line for all this. I don’t want to spend a year going through fertility treatment, and end up with a life that’s in shambles – regardless of the outcome.

I just wish this were easier. I wish I could just get pregnant like so many other people, who never have to think about how much they’re willing to give up along the way.


>I’ve had very little to report lately. I’m still on the fence about starting injections, and the fact that I’m on the fence about it leaves me feeling somewhat uneasy. Unless I change my mind, we’re going to put it off until the fall. On one hand, I feel relieved, but on the other, I wonder if we are making a bad decision. I felt so motivated to move forward, and now I’m indecisive and doubtful.

There are a lot of things that play into it – insurance issues and an insane work schedule – but I think there’s something larger, too. The fact that dr’s can’t figure out why I can’t get pregnant (and not just this time, but in my previous marriage when I saw an RE, too) leaves me a little wary of taking medication. It feels like I’m going to the dr. for a sore throat, and while they tell me everything looks perfectly fine, I should take a series of antibiotics because it might help. I almost never take medication (once every other year, at most), so it bothers me a little. I was looking at it as a process…that I would do my three cycles of injections, get my referral to the RE, and at some point, start IVF. I hoped that I would end up with a baby, or at least a better idea of why I can’t have one.

Lately, though, I’ve begun to wonder if I’ll ever have an answer, and I am afraid of what I’ll lose along the way. Part of it might be my experience dealing with infertility in my previous marriage, and part of it might be my desire to protect what my husband and I already have. We have a great life together, and I don’t want to put that at risk, especially when the payoff may not be there.

We watched Guiliana and Bill last night. I know some people hate that show, but we like it – especially after a long day at work. We dvr it, so I think it was on earlier in the week. In the episode we watched, she starts using the Follistim pen and gets an IUI. She was very hesitant about the needle, which I totally understand. She said ‘I’m not ready for this,’ but I wasn’t sure if she meant taking daily doses of hormones through injection, or the act of having her husband put a needle into her skin (or both). I guess I wondered if she meant ‘this,’ as in ‘this needle, right now.’ or ‘This,’ as in this entire situation.

Their explanations of the medical aspects of infertility are often bad (or completely wrong), and because the show is edited, it’s hard to get a real-time feeling for what they’re experiencing (ex: they only show her getting one shot and never say if she has side effects, how she responded, etc.). But, I appreciate the ability to sit with my husband and watch another couple go through something that – if my insurance had come though – we would be doing right now. I still don’t know what I want to do, but I’m thinking about it a lot.

>I’m feeling a little better today. The sun in shining, and while it’s still freezing outside, I’m trying to be more positive.

I talked to M. last night about the months ahead. I’m feeling indecisive about starting injections (whenever my insurance approves it!), and about spending our summer dealing with infertility treatments. I think that if I felt like it was going to work, I would have a different attitude about it. But I’m as “unexplained” as they come…I ovulate on my own, I have regular cycles, and I always have. I’ve never missed a period in my life. I had a couple cycles that seemed long or short, but they were still between 26 and 32 days. M. is fine, too. I would think it was my age, but I’ve already been through this with my ex-husband. That was several years ago, and I didn’t get pregnant then, either. I wonder how these medications are going to help – when they seem to address an area that isn’t broken.

I’ve never been big on taking medication, and have always preferred a more natural approach to things. I never go to the doctor (except for my yearly ob/gyn appointment). It’s tough for me to go down this road, especially when we’re treating something they can’t even identify. On the other hand, it’s hard to do nothing. I worry that if I don’t try it, I’m passing up our opportunity to have a child.

I was all set to do it, but these insurance delays have given me time to think, and to separate myself a little bit from our situation. M. and I decided to start a training plan this weekend to run a 5K in May, and I realized yesterday that it could conflict with the medications I have to take. I don’t know how I’ll feel, or if I’ll be able to run. There are other issues, too – we have trips planned, and we love the summer. I don’t want to spend it feeling lousy because I’m taking medication.

I guess it comes down to how much I am willing to give up, knowing that the reward may not be there, and how much I would risk if I don’t try it at all.

>I guess when I hit 100 posts, things came to a halt!

I’m in a lull, I guess. I’m at a standstill, in so many ways. I feel ready for change, but I’m not in a position where change is really possible. We’ve talked about relocating – again – but we know it’s not the right time. Mentally, it is. When I see appealing jobs elsewhere, I feel like it is. But financially, it’s not. We have an opportunity to save money and pay off some debt. I would lose some of my retirement money if we moved, we can’t sell our home, and we have infertility coverage here. In a year, things will be more clear. We’ll know more about where we stand in terms of having a family, and I’ll be vested at work. Really, it makes more sense to think about moving in a year or more, but not now.

Winter is dragging on, and I feel tired. I’m still waiting on my insurance company to approve infertility treatment, and I can feel my motivation slipping away. I wish I felt hopeful, but I don’t. I can feel myself wanting to accept our life without children, and to just move on. I want to look forward to the summer – instead of thinking about a summer where I’m injecting myself with shots. I feel like I’m putting everything on hold, while I wait…for insurance coverage, for a better job, to know whether or not we’re ever going to have children. I’m tired of waiting, and putting things on hold. I want to get in shape, without worrying about exercising too much. I just want to see some kind of progress.

>For my 100th post, I wanted to write something meaningful. Since I just hung up from yet another call with my insurance company, though, I am focusing on taking deep breaths and thinking positively. I don’t know if it’s working, but I’m trying.

I find the waiting and the uncertainty to be the worst part of this whole process. I’m waiting to get pregnant, and I honestly don’t know if I ever will. I don’t know what our future holds, because there’s a big black hole in the middle of it that I can’t see past. We have both seen jobs that we’d love to apply for over the past few days, but we keep deciding to stay because my insurance covers infertility treatment. We can’t envision where we would like to live, because we don’t know if we’ll have children. So much is up in the air.

I can usually deal with it, especially when I feel as if we are trying. I feel encouraged when I feel like we are making progress, even if each cycle results in a BFN. It’s sad, and it’s frustrating, but I feel like we are doing what we can.

I think that’s why this insurance fiasco is so incredibly aggravating. I got so upset with the whole situation last week that I ended up with a stomach ache, and I was almost in tears (and I am not a crier). I feel like we are doing everything we can, and that is what’s getting me through. In a situation where everything feels so out of control, I hang on to what I can, and it helps. My insurance company, though, is NOT helping – and really, either is my doctor’s office. If they sent my pre-authorization form in October like they said they would, this would not be happening. I just called my insurance company again, and they said they don’t have a record of the request yet. It might be on its way, so I am going to give my doctor’s office the benefit of the doubt for now. I asked more questions this time, though, and I also found out that the pre-authorization process will take ‘up to 30 days.’ Since my doctor’s office said it usually takes 72 hours, I thought I would ask for clarification from the insurance company. I asked ‘Does it normally take that long?’ And the woman on the phone said ‘Yes, always. It will take exactly 30 days.’ My head almost exploded, and that’s when I started taking deep breaths.

I cannot believe how long this is all taking! I know I am lucky to have insurance, but this is ridiculous. Obviously, we will not be starting follistim/letrozole in February, and at this rate, it will be a miracle if I can do it in March. Our one month break will have turned into four, and I will most likely not be starting injections now until I am just shy of my 36th birthday.

I am not a patient person, but I am trying really, really hard. I had pretty much already accepted that I wouldn’t be able to do anything this month, and there are advantages – I won’t have any side effects on our upcoming long weekend away, I’ll be seeing an old friend who I haven’t seen in a long time and will be able to have some tasty glasses of wine, and I can take a wine class that I had my eye on at the end of the month. I am trying, really…but if I have to be optimistic in March, I think I might explode.

>I have a lot to say but am in a bit of a hurry, so here’s an update:

– We watched “Up” last weekend. I thought it was so good! I expected the infertility aspect to be the saddest part, but I have to say that the whole movie got to me. While our personalities are entirely different than the characters in “Up,” it really made me think of our own relationship and future. M. and I remind ourselves a lot that while dealing with infertility is difficult, we will get through it, and we know that whatever happens, we will have happy and rewarding lives. I hate the idea of M. being left alone, though (more than me getting left alone, for some reason!). I really enjoyed the movie, even though it did make me teary several times.

(We also just watched Gran Torino, and I seriously think I have to outlive my husband)

– We started watching the reality show, ‘Guilana and Bill.’ I never heard of it until I read about it on another blog, and a rerun was on the other night. I find myself compelled to watch it, and so is M. We love Chicago (we don’t live in Chicago, but in the same state, and visit as much as we can), they are close to our age, and are dealing with infertility. I know some people hate the show, but I like it. I am surprised by some of the negative comments about the way their handling of infertility is being portrayed. There are so few people in the public eye who will discuss infertility, and those who do usually wait until there’s a positive outcome. Few are willing to discuss – much less document – their struggles with infertility in public. I think it’s an opportunity to raise awareness. Some people say they haven’t been trying long enough (although over 35, the standard rule is to see a dr. after 6 months), and other people say that they’ll probably be pregnant in a few months. If that happens, I’ll be happy for them! Any struggle with infertility is too long in my book, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I do admit, though, I probably won’t watch once she’s pregnant – unless I am, too. 🙂

– Sometimes I think M. is more bothered by our struggle to get pregnant than I am. It makes sense – I dealt with all this once before in my previous marriage, when my ex-husband and I tried to get pregnant for years. It’s still hard, I think it’s different for M. I was ready for the disappointment, but M. wasn’t. He was convinced he would never want kids. We had a change of heart – which is really pretty monumental for him – and here we are…still trying, taking crazy medications, and talking about whether or not we would consider IVF. A few months ago, he didn’t think he would want to go down that path, but I advised him then to keep an open mind through all of this, because you just can’t predict how you’ll feel. Now, he said, he thinks he would want to, as long as I would. He comments a lot on how he gets angry or frustrated when he hears that other people get pregnant easily or accidentally, and how he doesn’t feel like he has anything in common with those people. I wonder how many men feel this way, but just don’t express it?

– I’m hoping to call the insurance company tomorrow to get an update on my pre-approval. I’ve come to terms with the situation, and I’m looking at the positive aspects of not being on medication this cycle, if that’s how it all plays out. There are pros and cons, and if it doesn’t work out, I’ll be all set for March!

I think that’s it. There might be more, but I can’t remember, and this has already taken too long!

>Well, I am still in a bit of a holding pattern with my health insurance, prescription plan, and doctor’s office. I kept thinking all weekend that my doctor’s office didn’t call me back on Friday, but I realized today that that did call – after I had gone home for the day. I called this morning, and they called back this afternoon. I’m happy to say they knew exactly what I was talking about. They had to ask me a few questions, and she said they’ll send the pre-authorization request no later than tomorrow. She said that the insurance company generally takes 72 hours to process the approval, so I think I am cutting it pretty close. It’s frustrating that the chances of us being able to pull this off for my upcoming cycle are decreasing, but I have already spent too much time dwelling on that. I’m pretty sure AF will arrive on the 10th or 11th, and I am going out of town on the afternoon of the 10th. So, I really need my medication to arrive on the 9th or 10th. I know that some of the specialty pharmacies work quickly, but that is not leaving a heck of a lot of time. I felt what I thought were some O pains today, and if that’s the case, I could be ok. If AF is late, I could get the Letrozole in town (I think) and even have the Follistim and HCG delivered once we get back from our weekend out of town. As much as I don’t like it, I think I have to just play it by ear and hope for the best. I’ve accepted that it may not work out this month, and if that’s the case, we’ll just start in March. I’ll try really hard to ignore the fact that our one month break turned into three if that happens!

I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I may just have to talk about infertility on the phone at work. I don’t want to, but there’s little I can do about it. When the doctor’s office called, I had to say what I wanted, and there wasn’t much getting around it. I don’t think too many people heard me, but I’ve decided I just can’t worry about it right now.

I have other things I want to say, but that will have to wait for later!


May: BFP for baby #2, due January 2015

July: Our daughter is born!

November: Still pregnant. Fingers crossed! EDD 7/5/13
October: retrieval 10/12; 5dt 10/17; BFP!!! 10/25-hcg=70; 10/29-hcg=391
September-October: IVF, microdose lupron flare protocol
June-July-August: approved! dealing with scheduling issues and most likely starting IVF in September
May: waiting for insurance approval to start treatment
April: laparoscopic surgery to remove endometrioma on left ovary; diagnosed with stage 3 endo
March: RE finds cyst - suspects endometrioma; also high FSH, low AMH
February: consult with RE; bloodwork, hsg

January-February: Acupuncture once per week, vitex and natural progesterone after ovulation; back to charting bbt
March-April: end of ttc
May:diagnosed with severe cervical dysplasia (CIN III)
July-August: L.E.E.P. procedure and recovery

December: Start acupuncture
May-November: Not actively trying/on a break/enjoying life
April: Not actively trying, still waiting for insurance coverage for injectables
January-March: still waiting to start injectables

December 09-March 10: On a break while waiting to start injectables
November 2009: 50 mg Clomid CD 5-9; BFN
October 2009: All tests normal; Take 50 mg Clomid CD 5-9; BFN
July 2009: Ob/gyn asks for bbt chart, S/A, CD3 b/w; plan tbd.
April/May 2009: Switch from OPKs to the Clearblue Fertility Monitor
March/April 2009: Start using OPKs and bbt

Sept/Oct 2008: Stop preventing; 'if it happens, it happens'
Summer 2008: Stop BCPs; using bbt chart to prevent pregnancy
May 2007: Married again! husband #2; no plans for children

Previous Life
Fall 2005: Divorced
Summer 2005: See RE; more b/w, clomid challenge test, sonohysterogram; 2 Clomid IUI cycles - BFN; male factor discovered (he now has a child with wife #2)
Spring 2003: See ob/gyn for IF, get b/w and HSG; All results normal; Husband #1 gets S/A, which he says is normal; results never sent to ob/gyn
Spring 2002: Stop BCPs, begin ttc and charting bbt
Oct 2000: Married to husband #1