>For my 100th post, I wanted to write something meaningful. Since I just hung up from yet another call with my insurance company, though, I am focusing on taking deep breaths and thinking positively. I don’t know if it’s working, but I’m trying.

I find the waiting and the uncertainty to be the worst part of this whole process. I’m waiting to get pregnant, and I honestly don’t know if I ever will. I don’t know what our future holds, because there’s a big black hole in the middle of it that I can’t see past. We have both seen jobs that we’d love to apply for over the past few days, but we keep deciding to stay because my insurance covers infertility treatment. We can’t envision where we would like to live, because we don’t know if we’ll have children. So much is up in the air.

I can usually deal with it, especially when I feel as if we are trying. I feel encouraged when I feel like we are making progress, even if each cycle results in a BFN. It’s sad, and it’s frustrating, but I feel like we are doing what we can.

I think that’s why this insurance fiasco is so incredibly aggravating. I got so upset with the whole situation last week that I ended up with a stomach ache, and I was almost in tears (and I am not a crier). I feel like we are doing everything we can, and that is what’s getting me through. In a situation where everything feels so out of control, I hang on to what I can, and it helps. My insurance company, though, is NOT helping – and really, either is my doctor’s office. If they sent my pre-authorization form in October like they said they would, this would not be happening. I just called my insurance company again, and they said they don’t have a record of the request yet. It might be on its way, so I am going to give my doctor’s office the benefit of the doubt for now. I asked more questions this time, though, and I also found out that the pre-authorization process will take ‘up to 30 days.’ Since my doctor’s office said it usually takes 72 hours, I thought I would ask for clarification from the insurance company. I asked ‘Does it normally take that long?’ And the woman on the phone said ‘Yes, always. It will take exactly 30 days.’ My head almost exploded, and that’s when I started taking deep breaths.

I cannot believe how long this is all taking! I know I am lucky to have insurance, but this is ridiculous. Obviously, we will not be starting follistim/letrozole in February, and at this rate, it will be a miracle if I can do it in March. Our one month break will have turned into four, and I will most likely not be starting injections now until I am just shy of my 36th birthday.

I am not a patient person, but I am trying really, really hard. I had pretty much already accepted that I wouldn’t be able to do anything this month, and there are advantages – I won’t have any side effects on our upcoming long weekend away, I’ll be seeing an old friend who I haven’t seen in a long time and will be able to have some tasty glasses of wine, and I can take a wine class that I had my eye on at the end of the month. I am trying, really…but if I have to be optimistic in March, I think I might explode.