>I’ve had very little to report lately. I’m still on the fence about starting injections, and the fact that I’m on the fence about it leaves me feeling somewhat uneasy. Unless I change my mind, we’re going to put it off until the fall. On one hand, I feel relieved, but on the other, I wonder if we are making a bad decision. I felt so motivated to move forward, and now I’m indecisive and doubtful.

There are a lot of things that play into it – insurance issues and an insane work schedule – but I think there’s something larger, too. The fact that dr’s can’t figure out why I can’t get pregnant (and not just this time, but in my previous marriage when I saw an RE, too) leaves me a little wary of taking medication. It feels like I’m going to the dr. for a sore throat, and while they tell me everything looks perfectly fine, I should take a series of antibiotics because it might help. I almost never take medication (once every other year, at most), so it bothers me a little. I was looking at it as a process…that I would do my three cycles of injections, get my referral to the RE, and at some point, start IVF. I hoped that I would end up with a baby, or at least a better idea of why I can’t have one.

Lately, though, I’ve begun to wonder if I’ll ever have an answer, and I am afraid of what I’ll lose along the way. Part of it might be my experience dealing with infertility in my previous marriage, and part of it might be my desire to protect what my husband and I already have. We have a great life together, and I don’t want to put that at risk, especially when the payoff may not be there.

We watched Guiliana and Bill last night. I know some people hate that show, but we like it – especially after a long day at work. We dvr it, so I think it was on earlier in the week. In the episode we watched, she starts using the Follistim pen and gets an IUI. She was very hesitant about the needle, which I totally understand. She said ‘I’m not ready for this,’ but I wasn’t sure if she meant taking daily doses of hormones through injection, or the act of having her husband put a needle into her skin (or both). I guess I wondered if she meant ‘this,’ as in ‘this needle, right now.’ or ‘This,’ as in this entire situation.

Their explanations of the medical aspects of infertility are often bad (or completely wrong), and because the show is edited, it’s hard to get a real-time feeling for what they’re experiencing (ex: they only show her getting one shot and never say if she has side effects, how she responded, etc.). But, I appreciate the ability to sit with my husband and watch another couple go through something that – if my insurance had come though – we would be doing right now. I still don’t know what I want to do, but I’m thinking about it a lot.