Ever since we decided to give up the idea of relocating and getting new jobs (I guess it was in October or November), the question of how long we’ll stay here has been a nagging thought in the back of our minds. We were satisfied with our decision at first, but as the cold crept in and our feelings about our jobs began to worsen, we’ve wondered if we’re doing the right thing. At first, a month went by where neither of us suggested moving, but since then, it seems like it’s a constant topic of discussion. Every time, we decide to stay – because there are so many practical reasons for staying – but before you know it, we’re talking about it again. One of us will see a job we’re dying to apply for, or another person we know will announce that they’re moving on.

There are a few practical reasons for staying (we would have to rent our place, rather than sell it, I would lose some retirement money, and we make good money here), but one that has always weighed heavily has been that we have insurance coverage for infertility treatment. I think that’s one of the reasons I was so upset when I encountered all these insurance hurdles – because I gave up a great job for this coverage! Since then, I think I’ve become more conscious of what we’re giving up in our quest to have a child.

I kept thinking about my post the other day – where I questioned how much I was willing to sacrifice – and wondered why I would feel differently now than I did a few months ago. I know a lot of people sacrifice a lot more than I have – money, time, emotions, and so much more – but I realized yesterday that I have some regret about passing on that job. I don’t like my new job at all, and I miss feeling like I’m making a difference. I gave up a great job that could have led to a lot of exciting things, but I gave it up for the possibility of having a child. And now, with my ongoing insurance issues (and no pregnancy), it seems like it was all for nothing. M. hates his job, and it really bothers him. I am starting to wonder how much practicality really matters…and how much I am willing to put on the line for all this. I don’t want to spend a year going through fertility treatment, and end up with a life that’s in shambles – regardless of the outcome.

I just wish this were easier. I wish I could just get pregnant like so many other people, who never have to think about how much they’re willing to give up along the way.