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>I have been updating my blog less often because I really have nothing to say. We’re still applying for new jobs. Mine move slowly and M’s are just not working out so far. It’s a really awkward time for us.

M. would really like a new job, but is at a strange point in his career in an industry that has changed radically over the past ten years. It isn’t as easy for him to get a job as it used to be, and I’m sure it’s a little scary. The economy isn’t helping either of our searches, but the search and application process for my jobs is always tediously slow. There are two problems, though. One is that we need both our incomes, but we need his more than mine. So, even if my job search goes well, in reality, it doesn’t make a bit of difference, because I don’t want to live apart from him. If he doesn’t get a job, but I do, I’ll have to turn it down. That makes me feel like my head is going to explode.

M. has not liked his job for a while…probably over a year or more. I liked my job – until my department closed, and I got a new one. And I hate my new job. It’s complicated by the fact that it really isn’t in my field, and I feel like my skills are wasting away. So I hate it – and it also makes me nervous that it will have greater consequences on my career as a whole.

I’m just praying, wishing, and hoping that it will all work out. I need to do something I enjoy, and to feel productive. I’m not getting pregnant, I STILL can’t fill those prescriptions (and am still conflicted over traditional vs. alternative approaches, even though comprehensive alternative approaches don’t really exist where I live), and I can’t face another year in a job that I don’t like. I enjoy the field I’m supposed to be working in, and I just keep thinking that if I can’t have a child, I should be able to at least have that.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed!

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>I met an old coworker last night for a drink. I hadn’t seen her in a while, but we meet up every month or so and talk about what’s been happening with each of us. She’s about 20 years older than I am, so I always appreciate her perspective.

She’s familiar with where I work, so we always spend some time talking about that. She said she knew this job wouldn’t be for me, so she wasn’t surprised that I started looking for something else. I told her how I got a call about a possible interview, but now I’m sort of confused about whether or not I am actually one of the candidates. I know I’m in the group they are seriously considering (aka, the short list), but I don’t know how may people are in that group or when they will make a definite decision about who will be interviewed. So, I am waiting to hear from them.

She asked me what was going on with our efforts to try to get pregnant, so I explained that, too. With everything else we have going on, it probably isn’t realistic to throw fertility medications into the mix, but I’m still waiting for my prescriptions to be covered, anyway. Plus, my job right now makes it almost impossible to have any kind of monitoring, since the dates for my next work-related trip are still t.b.d. We’re still trying on our own, but everything else is essentially on hold. I’m waiting for something the happen there, too, but it’s likely a longer wait.

We’re also trying to decide if we should get another dog. We’ve been thinking about it for a long time, but we were waiting to see how things were with our cat (and if I would get pregnant). Well, our cat died a few weeks ago, but now we don’t know what we want to do. We’re waiting to see how the dog does on his own, and how we feel about the whole thing.

Everything is up in the air. I know we just need to stick it out – and that at some point, something will be concrete. Things will fall into place, and then my feelings about everything else will follow. But for now, I feel like I am just waiting – for everything.

>I haven’t been able to post in ages! I had to travel for work all week, and I was working for 10-12 hours a day while I was gone. I’m sooo happy to be back!

We’re still working on making some major changes, and I alternate between being thrilled and being completely freaked out. It’s hard to figure out the best way to do things, and to keep moving forward without knowing what the end result will be. There’s a lot that’s up in the air, and that always makes me uneasy.

I also found when I got back from my trip that my insurance company had finally approved my treatment for infertility! The timing is truly ironic, with everything else we have going on. The letter was almost funny – saying something about how they do agree that I have been unable to get pregnant through easier and cheaper means.

At first, I was conflicted about whether or not I should try to go fill the prescriptions. On one hand, I wanted to, but I’m applying for new jobs and am already a wreck about the whole thing. M actually thought it was a bad idea to try to do a medicated cycle now, even though we both know that this could be our last chance to do this for such little money. If I was more optimistic about it working, I might feel differently, but I think for my age, it’s a 10-15% chance. Before I agonized too much about it, I figured I should look to see if the prescriptions are covered yet. I’m glad I looked, because they’re not! I guess it will take a while for the letter to be received by my prescription company, so I’ll just put it to the back of my mind for now.

So – there’s a lot swirling around in my head, but nothing has actually changed. I’m still not pregnant, we’re still not doing much about it, and we don’t know if/when we’ll be moving – or to where. But, at least we’re trying!

>A couple we used to know (not sure if I would say they’re friends or acquaintances at this point) had a baby over the weekend. We saw them last summer, and knew they were trying then. I was a little upset at the time, because she was talking about their ttc efforts and proclaimed that she would never pursue treatments or medications if she didn’t get pregnant. She said if it was meant to be, then it would happen. I wondered how she would feel if six months, or a year, or two years went by, and if she would change her mind. It turns out, though, that she got pregnant that very month – or already was and didn’t know it yet.

I guess it was “meant to be” for them, but what does that mean for us?

I’m not mad that they got pregnant and we didn’t, but it was hard to see their face.book posts over the weekend. When we saw them, we had already been trying for 8-9 months, and it was a little shocking to realize that much time had already passed. Seeing all their congratulatory posts on face.book was even harder, though, especially the ones that said that this would be the best time of their lives. It’s hard to see those, and to think that’s we’re missing out on something that we may not be able to have. I think back to the conversation we had last summer, and I wonder, why aren’t we “meant” to have that, too?

>When I was driving home last night, I watched the dark clouds from a thunderstorm in the distance. No matter how long I watched them, I couldn’t tell if the storm was coming or going.

I had a dream last night where I had a conversation with my old boss. I told him that I knew what I wanted, and that I just needed it to work out. He responded and said ‘You don’t know what you want. You think you do, but you don’t.’

I feel like we are at a crossroads. I was supposed to get pregnant and take maternity leave from a job I loved. I worked with a group of dedicated people who really believed in the mission of our institution. We were going to change things. I didn’t get pregnant, though, and our department closed. We almost moved. We decided to stay – and I took a job I don’t care about – in hopes that medications and procedures would help me get pregnant. We haven’t been able to proceed as quickly as we had imagined, and now we’re not doing anything at all. And now, we’re living lives we didn’t expect, and don’t necessarily want.

I feel like we need to leave – to start over. I want us to have jobs we care about and enjoy. If I’m not going to have a child, I need to have a job that matters to me. I need to feel like I have a purpose, I suppose. It’s hard for us both to get jobs in the same geographical area, but we’re trying. We need to figure out a way to make it work.

In that back of my mind, though, I feel like we’re closing the door on having a family. I know it could happen someday – no one has found any reason it can’t – but I can feel our focus shifting. I think that for now, this is what we need. I need to stop wishing my days away and be happy for what I have now. The problem, is that we don’t like what we have right now. We love each other, and we love our home and our dog. Outside our home, though, we’re not happy. That needs to change.

I hope someday we will have a child, and that we’ll live in a place we enjoy, surrounded by great friends, inspired by the work we’re doing. I worry, though, that I’ll regret our decision to not be more aggressive with fertility treatments. I’ll be 36 in two months, and I know I don’t have a lot of time to waste. At the same time, though, I know that we need to be happy in the meantime. I can’t put the weight of my happiness on having a child.

I keep thinking about my dream last night, and it’s hard not to wonder if I’m doing the right thing.

>My cycles are fairly regular, but there is a little bit of fluctuation. Generally, they are 27-30 days long, with the occasional 25/26 day cycle. I felt kind of crampy a few times last week, but I dismissed it. I thought I saw some spotting on Saturday night, but I kind of ignored that too. I was surprised on Sunday, then, when AF arrived in full force…making my cycle 23 days long.

While it’s true that I didn’t even have a chance to get my hopes up this month, I would really prefer to have cycles that are a little bit longer. 23 days is a bit short, if you ask me.

I didn’t even keep track of anything this month, but I feel like maybe I should have. I’m still working my way through what I want to do next to try to have a child, but I’m still unsure. If we end up moving to a larger city, I think I’d be interested in seeing a naturopath or physician who embraces more natural approaches to medicine, and I’m still thinking about acupuncture. I live in a small-ish college town, though, and the options here are kind of limited. I am thankful that I wasn’t counting on starting injections now, because my short cycle and crazy work schedule would have made that impossible. It feels good to be focusing on other things – like getting a new job and getting healthy. Maybe this is just what I need to do right now.

>Wow…I have been such a slacker! Things are continuing to evolve here, as always. I’ve got nothing new to report from infertility-land, but that seems to be the mode we’re in right now. We’re still not sure what we want to do, my insurance has still not agreed to cover anything yet, and even if it was, it wouldn’t matter because I have a totally insane work schedule right now. When I got this job, I was told that I would have to travel for one night, every other month. That was false, actually – looking back, I have traveled every month, and sometimes twice a month. I have even more travel coming up, and I think the unpredictability of all this travel makes infertility treatment pretty much impossible at the moment.

I still think about having a child, but I honestly don’t know what we’re going to do about it.

I do know that I am tired of having my life on hold, while I wait for something to happen. So, we are moving forward to potentially make some changes – changes that we wanted to make six months ago. Infertility was one of the things that held us back…we imagined that by now, we’d have tried multiple medications, IUI, etc., and probably even started to move on to IVF. Instead, we have made no progress (aside from the two Clomid/IUI cycles, which we did ages ago), and while it seemed worth it to stop our searches for new jobs at the time, it somehow doesn’t now. So, we’re moving forward! A big move may be in our future – but only time will tell. We’re excited, and it feels good to have something to look forward to! It may be months from now (the job application process in my field takes AGES), but that’s o.k.

One thing that has been on my mind is the View. I’m honestly surprised to read that some people had a positive reaction to it, because I couldn’t even watch the whole thing. They tried to be sensitive, but I didn’t feel like they provided any real information – except that it’s hard to get pregnant when you’re “old” (they actually said a lot about Giuliana’s lack of weight gain, but that’s a whole different topic).

I am bothered by the whole “old eggs” diagnosis in the infertility field. I realize it may be true – and I’m potentially bothered by it because I am in the age group that has “old” eggs – but to me, it feels like an excuse. Sometimes, it seems like doctors use “old eggs” or age as the reason for infertility when they can’t find anything else. Maybe it really is the reason, but it doesn’t feel like an official diagnosis to me. Why is it a problem for me, but not any of my friends? I guess it bothers me because it’s not concrete enough. If someone said to me, ‘Your problem is that your eggs are old. This is how we know…and because of that, you have x% of any of this working,’ I feel like I could make a decision about what to do next. But ‘we’re not sure’ and ‘maybe it’s age’ make it awfully hard to know what our chances really are.

History

2014
May: BFP for baby #2, due January 2015

2013
July: Our daughter is born!

2012
November: Still pregnant. Fingers crossed! EDD 7/5/13
October: retrieval 10/12; 5dt 10/17; BFP!!! 10/25-hcg=70; 10/29-hcg=391
September-October: IVF, microdose lupron flare protocol
June-July-August: approved! dealing with scheduling issues and most likely starting IVF in September
May: waiting for insurance approval to start treatment
April: laparoscopic surgery to remove endometrioma on left ovary; diagnosed with stage 3 endo
March: RE finds cyst - suspects endometrioma; also high FSH, low AMH
February: consult with RE; bloodwork, hsg

2011
January-February: Acupuncture once per week, vitex and natural progesterone after ovulation; back to charting bbt
March-April: end of ttc
May:diagnosed with severe cervical dysplasia (CIN III)
July-August: L.E.E.P. procedure and recovery

2010
December: Start acupuncture
May-November: Not actively trying/on a break/enjoying life
April: Not actively trying, still waiting for insurance coverage for injectables
January-March: still waiting to start injectables

2009
December 09-March 10: On a break while waiting to start injectables
November 2009: 50 mg Clomid CD 5-9; BFN
October 2009: All tests normal; Take 50 mg Clomid CD 5-9; BFN
July 2009: Ob/gyn asks for bbt chart, S/A, CD3 b/w; plan tbd.
April/May 2009: Switch from OPKs to the Clearblue Fertility Monitor
March/April 2009: Start using OPKs and bbt

2007-2008
Sept/Oct 2008: Stop preventing; 'if it happens, it happens'
Summer 2008: Stop BCPs; using bbt chart to prevent pregnancy
May 2007: Married again! husband #2; no plans for children

Previous Life
Fall 2005: Divorced
Summer 2005: See RE; more b/w, clomid challenge test, sonohysterogram; 2 Clomid IUI cycles - BFN; male factor discovered (he now has a child with wife #2)
Spring 2003: See ob/gyn for IF, get b/w and HSG; All results normal; Husband #1 gets S/A, which he says is normal; results never sent to ob/gyn
Spring 2002: Stop BCPs, begin ttc and charting bbt
Oct 2000: Married to husband #1