>When I was driving home last night, I watched the dark clouds from a thunderstorm in the distance. No matter how long I watched them, I couldn’t tell if the storm was coming or going.

I had a dream last night where I had a conversation with my old boss. I told him that I knew what I wanted, and that I just needed it to work out. He responded and said ‘You don’t know what you want. You think you do, but you don’t.’

I feel like we are at a crossroads. I was supposed to get pregnant and take maternity leave from a job I loved. I worked with a group of dedicated people who really believed in the mission of our institution. We were going to change things. I didn’t get pregnant, though, and our department closed. We almost moved. We decided to stay – and I took a job I don’t care about – in hopes that medications and procedures would help me get pregnant. We haven’t been able to proceed as quickly as we had imagined, and now we’re not doing anything at all. And now, we’re living lives we didn’t expect, and don’t necessarily want.

I feel like we need to leave – to start over. I want us to have jobs we care about and enjoy. If I’m not going to have a child, I need to have a job that matters to me. I need to feel like I have a purpose, I suppose. It’s hard for us both to get jobs in the same geographical area, but we’re trying. We need to figure out a way to make it work.

In that back of my mind, though, I feel like we’re closing the door on having a family. I know it could happen someday – no one has found any reason it can’t – but I can feel our focus shifting. I think that for now, this is what we need. I need to stop wishing my days away and be happy for what I have now. The problem, is that we don’t like what we have right now. We love each other, and we love our home and our dog. Outside our home, though, we’re not happy. That needs to change.

I hope someday we will have a child, and that we’ll live in a place we enjoy, surrounded by great friends, inspired by the work we’re doing. I worry, though, that I’ll regret our decision to not be more aggressive with fertility treatments. I’ll be 36 in two months, and I know I don’t have a lot of time to waste. At the same time, though, I know that we need to be happy in the meantime. I can’t put the weight of my happiness on having a child.

I keep thinking about my dream last night, and it’s hard not to wonder if I’m doing the right thing.

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