>Since we started ttc, I’ve tried to keep things in balance. I am hesitant to give up too much in the process of ttc and fertility treatments, because for me, I need to continue living a normal, happy life. What scares me – even more than the idea of not having children – is realizing I’m not going to have children and losing myself and my relationships along the way.

M. and I have been living a life of uncertainty for a while. On top of dealing with infertility, the last 6-8 months have been rough-
-I found out I was losing my job
-We tried a few cycles on Clomid
-We applied for new jobs and thought we were going to move, but I got a new job and we decided to stay
-We thought we were going to try a few cycles of follistim (which still hasn’t happened)
-We applied for new jobs again
-I had a phone interview, and we thought about moving again
-We decided to stay, and planned to start follistim in the fall

We’ve switched gears so many times in the last six months that I am beginning to be unsure about what it is we’re even trying to do, or what we want. I think part of it is trying to find that balance, where infertility isn’t controlling our lives, but we can acknowledge that it’s there and make conscious decisions about our future. I want to create a life that feels worthwhile and rewarding with or without children, so that no matter what happens, we’re ok.

Over the last two weeks, we talked a lot about our future. Since neither of our job searches were going very well, we decided it made sense to stay. AF was late, and while I will admit to having my hopes up those last few days, it arrived, as usual. We thought that by the fall, things would have settled down at my job, and hopefully, our insurance would finally cooperate and cover a few cycles of follistim. We talked about whether or not we wanted to try ivf, but didn’t really come to a conclusion.

Then, out of the blue, M. got a call about a new job in another state.

In my mind, I picture a pendulum. I envision us on one end, staying here, continuing fertility treatments, and hopefully – one day having a child. On the other, everything is uncertain. It seems like the pendulum just keeps swinging.

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