>Grey’s Anatomy has had a total baby theme lately. Last night, they had to deal with one of the characters, who so badly wants a baby, and one who does not. Then, there was a whole adoption-saga story that was happening simultaneously. That’s a lot of baby issues for one show!

I thought they did a great job of addressing the choice to live child-free. While we are currently child-free and could remain that way, it isn’t by choice. For this person, it is (or at least that’s the way they portrayed it). It’s sort of strange to go through fertility treatment and identify with people who choose to live child-free from the beginning, but there is a part of me that does. Before we decided to try to have children, we were living child-free by choice. From society’s perspective, it feels like there are just two groups – those with children and those without. People with children often make comments like:

You don’t have children, so you don’t understand.
If you don’t have children, you’re missing out.
You should totally have children.
Why do you bother decorating for holidays, if you don’t have children?

We live in a pretty family-centered town, and it can be awkward. It could be my imagination, but it seems like we’re excluded from parties, dinners, etc. because we don’t have children. On face.book, it seems like there’s a club that I don’t belong to. An acquaintance of mine had a baby a few months ago, and he (not the wife – she is probably too busy taking care of their baby!) is constantly posting about how fantastic it is to be a dad, and how there’s nothing like it in the world. Everyone who responds says the same thing – and they say things like, “You’re a family now!” or “Now life really begins!”

When I was watching Grey’s last night, I thought about how really, it doesn’t matter if people know we’ve tried (and are trying, sort of) to have children and haven’t been able to, or if it’s a choice we made. To them, we just don’t have children, so we’re not in their club. There was something about the show that just fascinated me – living child-free, adoption, and desparately wanting a child were all shown in parallel. I almost wished they included someone dealing with infertility, but that may have been too much for one show to handle! Maybe next time…

Coming back to reality-
We still haven’t heard much about the job/moving situation. I am keeping my fingers crossed, and I would greatly appreciate it if you could all do the same!

I realized last night that for M., this is sort of like the equivalent of dealing with infertility. He wanted a child, and still does, but it has been in no way a lifelong-dream of his. He never wanted children, until a year and a half ago. If I were younger, we probably wouldn’t even have started pursuing treatment. His desire to do anything if-related comes more from a fear of regret, than a deep-down desire. I think the fact that it hasn’t worked out is disappointing and frustrating for him, but I wouldn’t say it’s something he thinks about all the time.

This thing with this job, though, is. This is the kind of job he’s wanted since he was probably 10 years old, and a series of decisions he made along the way made it seem like an impossible goal. He chose a position at a lower-end company when he was younger, primarily because his ex-wife refused to move. He stayed there longer than he anticipated or wanted to, and took the first job he was offered after getting divorced. Since then, the job market – especially in his field – has gotten so much more competitive, and he has had no luck getting a job somewhere else. It’s been hard on his ego, his self esteem, and to some extent, his identity. It has changed our image of the future, because we cannot leave this town without him getting a job somewhere else. It probably sounds dramatic, but this job would change both our future, and the future of his whole career.

He put almost 70 hours into a test for this job, and now he’s waiting. He can’t stop thinking about it, and he told me yesterday that if the answer is no, he would rather just know right away. It occured to me – this is the closest thing he will ever feel to a 2ww! If he could buy a test in a drugstore that would give him a quick, but unreliable, answer, I am sure he would have done it already. I’m sure to some people, comparing efforts to have a child to a job search is insensitive or overly dramatic, but I really couldn’t help but be reminded of the 2ww. I hope he gets good news soon.

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