>I think we are officially over our are we moving or not turmoil. I’ve stopped applying for jobs, and turned down any interviews I had lined up. M. had a hard time accepting the news that he didn’t get the job of his dreams (or the job he imagines would be the job of his dreams – who really knows), but he seems to be back to normal now. He’s going to keep an eye out for any opportunities that seem exceptionally appealing, but the limited number of jobs combined with the intense competition for the ones that are available make our chances of going anywhere pretty slim. We’re ok with that, though. There are many advantages to staying, and I have felt comforted by the by fact that things are no longer up in the air. Moving would have been exciting, but this is good, too.

We decided that no matter what happened, we were going to put off fertility treatments until the fall. We wanted to enjoy the summer, and after the rough year we’ve had of getting laid off/almost moving/not moving/almost moving – combined with two rounds of Clomid and a new job that required massive amounts of travel – having a fun, relaxing summer sounded like the perfect remedy.

It still does. The problem that M. and I have both realized is that we don’t know if we’ll feel any differently in the fall. We’re enjoying our life. We started running in February, and I can’t remember ever feeling better. I’ve lost a few lbs, I’m getting stronger, and I just feel so…GOOD. I’m amazed by what my body has been able to accomplish in such a short period of time, and I feel like physically, everything is just in synch. My periods have gotten lighter, and the dibilitating cramps I used to get are now totally manageable. We both feel good, and we have some fun summer trips planned to look forward to.

It’s hard to think about disrupting all of that…and to think instead about injecting myself with medications that may or may not work, but will most likely have side effects that will not make me feel my best. Sometimes I feel like I have accepted that we may not have children, but other times I wonder if it’s really just that I’m giving up. Maybe I just don’t want it enough.

For now, we’re just going to enjoy life, and we’ll see how we feel in the fall. There will always be a part of me that will hope for a surprise pregnancy – achieved without any medical intervention – but I know it may not (or probably won’t) happen. That, I have accepted. As far as giving up, I guess only time will tell.

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