>My birthday is today, and I am now 36 years old.

I was afraid that turning 36 would be bad…time is so not on my side, in terms of babies and fertility treatments. I had a minor meltdown about my inability to conceive a few weeks ago, and since those feelings tend to come out of nowhere (at least, that’s how it feels), I was afriad I’d have a surprising and unwelcome wave of sad and terrible thoughts on my birthday.

I’m very happy to say that my birthday has been off to a really lovely start. I’ve gotten lots of birthday wishes, and my amazing husband is making me dinner tonight. I got up early this morning and had a good 3-mile run, and while it wasn’t my best time, it wasn’t my worst. I feel calm…and fortunate…and good. I don’t like the single strand of grey hair I found a few months ago, or the wrinkles that are strating to appear with greater visibility, but aside from that, I don’t have any negative feelings about getting older.

I wish we had gotten pregnant and had a child by now, but we didn’t. More and more, I’m starting to think that the sadness I feel when I hear people announcing pregnancies or talking about their plans to conceive comes from my gradual acceptance of our life without children. It makes me sad because I feel left out, and I’m beginning to believe that feeling is never going to change. I don’t really feel a desire to try fertility treatments again because I don’t believe they will work for me. I know there’s a chance, but I don’t know how much higher that chance is than if I did nothing at all.

I’m proud that on my 36th birthday, I ran 3 miles before going to work this morning. I’m happy that I got to wake up in a nice home with my incredible husband and adorable dog, and celebrate my life. It will never be easy to know I probably won’t have something that means so much to so many other people, but I am happy I have the life I do – even if I’m 36. 🙂

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