>This is the longest I have lived in one geographical area since I left my parents’ house for college 18 years ago. This summer marks my four year anniversary of moving to the midwest.

I can’t believe 18 years have passed since I first left my parents’ home for college, and that I haven’t spent more than four years in any given place at one time. I’ve been like a boomerang, going back and forth from place to place. My ex-husband and I moved three times in six years, crossing the country and back again. I always felt compelled to move back home, but then I did, and I left again.

Moving has always felt cleansing to me. Until recently, I loved the challenge of moving somewhere new and starting over. Moving gives you a set of challenges you have to handle, and it allows you to push your other problems aside. They can wait while you figure out who to call for electricty, how to get to the nearest supermarket, and where you’re going to do your banking.

I think my ex-husband and I moved so much because we were looking for something that we would never find. I suppose we just weren’t happy or maybe weren’t a good match, but mostly, I think we felt unfufilled. Infertility made it more pronounced and almost impossible to escape. I felt like I was suffocating, and when I got divorced, I felt liberated, and I could finally breathe.

It’s strange to stay in one place when you’ve been on the move for so long. It’s almost more of a challenge to stay. When M and I were looking for new jobs, I was apprehensive about leaving, and that’s the first time in 18 years that I can remember feeling that way. At first, I thought maybe it was because I was getting old (which may be true), but I think that part of it is that I don’t feel the need to escape. I love my life with M, wherever we are. Moving did start to sound appealing – I won’t deny that – but I’m ok with staying, too. Even though I still don’t know if we’ll ever have children, I don’t need to pretend it’s not there. I can think about it and try to understand how I feel, and how M feels. We can decide that we want to do nothing, or we can choose treatment, but we can’t hide from it. Pushing it aside won’t change the outcome, and for once, it feels good to stay.

Happy 4th anniversary, to my home. 🙂

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