>I always feel a little awkward when I see people I know with babies. I never know what to say or do, and it’s as if I feel like a spotlight is shining on me. I’ve always felt a little bit that way, but it’s gotten worse as I’ve gotten older, and especially worse since I realized I may not be able to have children. I feel self-couscious…as if these new parents are looking for my reaction…but I don’t think they’re concerned with me at all. It’s just paranoia, because I feel like it’s so obvious that they have something that I may not be able to have myself.

We keep seeing this couple I know who had a baby six months ago. We don’t know them well, but one was my coworker in my old job. I didn’t see them for months, and now we’re run into them two weeks in a row. This weekend, we literally ran into them…we were running up a hill in a park (we picked a new route for our weekend run), and they were coming down with their cute baby in a stroller. It was sort of symbolic – they’re gliding easily down a hill, smiling, with their easily conceived child, while M and I are running up, gasping for air, and sweating.

M. and I had an interesting conversation over the weekend about future fertility treatments. It sounds like he’s more inclined to give it a try than I thought, so we’ll see. He was never against it, but I got the impression in the past that he wasn’t inclined to try IVF unless I really wanted to. I wasn’t sure, which led me to believe we probably wouldn’t do it. If he’s wavering, though, it makes a difference. We’re still putting off a decision and any treatment until the fall, but I would have guessed that the fall would have led to us doing nothing. Now, though, it seems more like we might start up again. I guess only time will tell.

Advertisements