>One of my coworkers is pregnant, and she talks about it a lot. It generally doesn’t bother me. It seems like I can just shut down that part of my brain when I talk to her – the part that wonders what it would be like to be her – to have gotten pregant easily (maybe even accidentally?), and to be filled with excitement about it.

Another woman I work with is about to be a grandmother. I can do the same thing with her, although it is a little harder. It’s hard not to think of my own mother, who is a grandmother, but not to my child, or of my mother in law, whose possibility of becoming a grandmother is dependent on me. Even though it’s more difficult, I can push those thoughts aside, too, and have a conversation without ever letting on that any of it bothers me.

Sometimes, though, I’m glad I’m in my office, away from the excited conversations I can hear in the hall. My coworker had an appointment yesterday where she learned the sex of the baby, so there was a lot of excited talk about that. For some reason, that is too much for me, and I’m glad I don’t have to participate.

Sometimes, I wonder about the other women I work with. Some are older than me, and they never married. I wonder if it’s hard for them, too. They’re in their late 40’s, and I would assume at some point they accepted they wouldn’t have children. I wonder if it bothers them, and if they’re glad, like I am, that they have work to do in an office away from all the celebrations.

I’m still really struggling with what to do about our difficulty getting pregnant. Weeks can go by where I hardly think about it, but then it’s on my mind again. I’ve been thinking about it more since M expressed more interest in moving forward with treatment, and I’m just hoping the right thing for us becomes apparent sometime soon.

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