>Sometimes I forget about the time I saw two lines…the one and only time I had a positive pregnancy test. It was so long ago, and when I think about it, I feel like I’m watching myself in a movie.

I think it was probably six years ago, and I was still married to what is now my ex-husband. It was the last month or two before my RE visit. I think I had been taking one of those fertility vitamins, although I can’t remember now which one. I had taken them before, and we had already been ttc for three years, so I wasn’t terribly hopeful. I was charting my bbt, though, because I hadn’t done it in years and thought the RE might ask for it (he didn’t). I can’t remember exactly what day of my cycle it was, but I know that when I woke up, I expected to see that my temperature had plummeted. I was shocked that instead of going down, it went up. The next morning, I couldn’t wait to see my temperature, and once again, it was high! I don’t remember how many days I waited, but I finally POAS. I couldn’t believe it – it was positive! I think I took a million tests that day, and they were all positive. I was in disbelief, and I was so happy. I couldn’t believe that I didn’t have to go to the RE, and was able to get pregnant on my own! I couldn’t believe that after all that time, I was finally pregnant.

I didn’t even tell anyone. My then-husband was out of town, and I didn’t have any plans that weekend to see anyone. I was guarded – after three years of ttc – I knew that it was really early. But at the same time, I was happy and hopeful. One of the things I remember most vividly – even more than seeing the positive test – was going for a walk and feeling giddy that I had an amazing secret that no one else knew. I remember thinking “this is how people feel when they find out they’re pregnant.”

Obviously, things didn’t work out. The next day, when I POAS, the second line was lighter and almost hard to see, and I knew that wasn’t good. I POAS again that evening, and it was lighter still. I felt like I was suffocating, and I wished I hadn’t gotten my hopes up at all. The next day, my temperature went down, and soon after that, AF arrived.

I’ve never understood how I was able to get pregnant that one time, even if it was for a day. The RE I saw didn’t find anything that would prevent me from getting or staying pregnant, but the rounds of Clomid and IUIs we did weren’t successful. The RE felt the issue was my then-husband’s sperm, which put everything on hold for a while. After that, things deteriorated, and we divorced. I never really knew if that RE was correct in his disgnosis, but it didn’t really matter at the time. Now that my ex-husband has a child, I would say he either got lucky, or my RE was wrong.

When M and I were talking last weekend about how we might proceed, I remembered the time I saw two lines. I had told him about it before, but it was before we were married or even thought about ttc. I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever see that again, or what I should do to get us there. I just wish someone could tell me what’s preventing me from having a child.

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