>I started to write a post last week about running, but I never finished it. I couldn’t really figure out what point I was trying to make.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what we should do, in terms of fertility treatment. When we first started ttc, I knew it was possible that we would have difficult conceiving. Even though the RE I saw in my previous marriage didn’t find anything “wrong” with me, I wasn’t entirely convinced. So, when M and I started ttc, the first few months were hard. Dealing with infertility in my first marriage was brutal, and I wasn’t sure how we would cope. I was scared, and after I didn’t get pregnant right away, I knew that we were going to have to face it. In some ways, it was good for me. I got divorced so soon after ending fertility treatments in my previous marriage that I never really had to think about it. Going through a divorce is all-consuming, and I was in survival mode then. The idea that I would never have children crossed my mind occasionally, but it was a fleeting thought among the thousands of others I would have throughout any given day. So, the first few months of ttc for M and I were hard. Getting through that first year we almost liberating. Of course, i was sad that I wasn’t pregnant, but at least I knew we could deal with it.

When we decided to start infertility treatment, we planned to do it for one year. We agreed that we would try Clomid and injections, but we weren’t sure about IVF. We agreed that we would do it for one year, and then just accept the outcome, whatever it was. Unfortunately, life doesn’t go as planned. We took two months off through the holidays, and then had to see the dr. again in January before starting injectables. Then, I had insurance issues, which are still not toally resolved, and I got a new job that initially required a ton of travel. There’s really no point in taking fertility medication if we aren’t going to be in the same place when I ovulate! We seriously considered relocating and getting new jobs, which made things hectic for several months, and then finally accepted that we are staying put. After all that turmoil, it felt good to just have happy, normal lives, and we decided to put any decisions about fertility treatments on hold until the fall.

We started our “one year” of fertility treatment in October 2009, and after a year, we will have completed TWO cycles of Clomid. By the fall of 2010, we were supposed to be finished with all this. We were supposed to have accepted the outcome – whatever it was.

Instead, we’re still trying to figure it out. We had no idea how crazy the past year was going to be…that I would lose my job, that we would apply for new jobs and try to move – twice, or that I would get an intense job with unpredictable and frequent travel (luckily, the travel part of my job has subsided). On the plus side, we didn’t know we would start running, and we definitely didn’t expect to start running and actually enjoy it. We didn’t know how much we would appreciate the calmness of our lives, after months of upheaval.

There’s no way I could have pursued fertility treatment during the last six months, but it makes it hard to know what to do now. It might be unrealistic, but what I really want is to get pregnant on my own, naturally. I just don’t know if that’s really a possibility.

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