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I have been trying to come up with a way to tie these topics together in a cohesive way, but it just isn't happening. 
 
 
 
I watched Sex and the City – the first one – a few weeks ago. I was never a HUGE fan of the show, but I did watch all – or close to all – the episodes when I was living with my parents while getting divorced. I could appreciate what people liked about it, and it was entertaining. I found some of the episodes annoying, but I could deal with it. The movie, though – I hated!!! I realize some people may be offended by that, and I apologize to those who are, but I really couldn't stand it. I felt like the series episodes, while unrealistic, had compelling characters that were flawed (which is a good thing), but in the end were strong and relied on their friendships to continue to persevere, and most importantly of all – enjoy life. Maybe in my mind I have simplified the series, but I found the movie sort of…depressing. It bothered me that Carrie and Miranda were wallowing around in their sadness and despair, instead of trying to move past the unfortunate events that got them there. I could understand if it were a few weeks – or even months – but I realized after watching it that close to a year must have gone by from the movie's beginning to end. I think I was rubbed the wrong way right from the beginning, though (or the point at which I turned it on – I'll admit I missed the beginning), when Charlotte announced she was pregnant after struggling with infertility for years. I winced when I saw it, but my feelings grew stronger as I listened to Charlotte explain that her ob/gyn said that it's not uncommon for people to get pregnant after adopting. Seriously?!?! I understand that may happen on occasion, but I just hate to see those kind of things reinforced by movies – especially popular ones. I could have let it go if they didn't add the part about the ob/gyn, but they did.
 
And really…if it's SO common, then study it and figure out why! (I realize it's a fictional ob/gyn that said it, but it just makes my head hurt.)
 
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I had an interesting Facebook experience the other day. Instead of reading about how much people love their children, what amazing things their children have done, or that they are pregnant yet again, and old neighbor of mine posted something about the treatment she receives as someone who has chosen not to have children. I was stunned by some of the things people have said to her, and it was interesting to see her perspective. She wasn't sad, but she was definitely mad! She doesn't hate children by any means, but she just doesn't want a child herself. I don't know the reasons behind it…I know she considered it, but beyond that, it really isn't my business. Strange that other people think it is, though!
 
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M. and I talked about our future on the baby-making front the other day. I've noticed lately I think and talk lot about the why – the fact that I don't know why I haven't been able to get pregnant. I know it could be age, but I'd like something a little more definitive than that, especially since age hasn't been an issue for my friends, and my FSH was fine. Two good friends of mine (that are the same age I am) had babies about six months ago – one had endometriosis, and the other had a rather large fibroid in her uterus. They were still able to get pregnant and deliver healthy babies. I'm thrilled for them, but it does make me wonder…how were they able to get pregnant, and I have not?
 
I've said it before, but I have reservations about taking medication for something that hasn't been identified, and those feelings are not going away. I ovulate on my own, so I don't see what ovulating MORE is going to do in the scheme of things. We've been ttc for almost two years, so we have had about 24 chances at pregnancy already. Two eggs in one month could help, theoretically, but deep down, I just wonder if that's really the problem. I dread feeling lousy for something that may not (probably won't?) work, especially when I've worked so hard to get back into shape.
 
M is starting to get concerned about his own age, but his concerns I think surround his image of parenthood (his parents had him when they were 23), and also our future (like the ability to retire). It sounds sort of shallow in writing, and I know if I did get pregnant he would be thrilled, but he is a little concerned. I would imagine that over time, that concern will grow, rather than diminish.
 
So, as it stands right now, we will probably not start treatment in the fall. I'd still like to get acupuncture – for many reasons – and we're both reserving the right to change our minds about trying the next group of fertility medications. If I were to bet, though, I would say that we won't do it. I told M that if we never have a child, I'll always feel a sense of loss, but I know we can be happy together without being parents. I told him to think of Julie and Julia…the way they depicted Julia Child's feelings about being childless…that's sort of how I feel. It makes me sad, sometimes I get upset, other times I get angry, and the rest of the time I'm ok.
 
 
 
 
 
 
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