I had a great weekend, but I did have to deal with a few difficult moments.
– We were browsing campers and rv's (we've thought for a while about getting one – to be able to travel more and bring our dog!), and the sales guy kept mentioning whether or not we would need space for children. I wish I knew if I needed space for a child, but honestly, I probably don't…so how about we just look at the ones I like the best, instead. He honestly was an ok guy, and it IS a valid consideration, but I just didn't want to get into it…especially at an rv dealership.
– We went to a bbq on Saturday. The hosts have a baby – which I was well aware of – and it's the same group of people who caused a minor emotional breakdown after spending the evening with them a month ago. It's not the parents that are the problem…I can deal with it, for the most part. There are moments where I look at the baby with her mom and briefly imagine how I would be, but then I move on. I really like this couple, too, and that helps. Their baby is really difficult, and in all honesty, that probably helps, too. The other people, though, make it more difficult. They're younger than I am, some by almost 8 years. They are all starting to think about having children, so there's a lot of "When I'm a mom…" or "When I have kids…" going around – especially when they see the baby. There's a lot of talk about whether or not their siblings have or will have children, and how important it is for their parents to become grandparents. Those are the conversations that are difficult for me, and for so many reasons. There are so many reasons that it's hard to even write them all out, and I'm sure I don't have to explain it to anyone who is reading. The part that makes me saddest (although not the part that bothers me the most) is that I was about the same age they are now when I first started ttc in my first marriage. I can remember feeling optimistic and excited about the idea of having children, and it seems so long ago – because really, it was.
For the most part, I can deal with the idea that we won't have children. It's sad, but I can accept it. I wonder sometimes why I can, really, but I think it probably has to do with the fact that I did start ttc almost eight years ago, went through a fairly difficult divorce (and that was after enduring a fairly difficult marriage to someone who was somewhat mentally unstable), and am still so thankful, and honestly, a little surprised, by how happy I am now. I hate that we probably won't have children, and especially that M will probably never be a father, and I think it will always make me sad. I can accept it, though, and I think I'll have a small glimmer of hope (very, very small) until I know it really is impossible. I guess I should say that I've accepted that more than likely, we will not have children, and we can live with that.
What's especially difficult for me right now, though, is these conversations about babies at parties. I cannot participate in conversations about "When I'm a mom…" I really – just cannot go there. I have to walk away. And really, I feel like it's a form of torture. I have so much more I could say, but I'll just leave it at that.
-My last difficult thing of the week:
AF arrived today, which means I had a 24 day cycle. Seriously?!?! If I'm not going to get pregnant, anyway, could I at least get my period less often? AF arrived twice in the month of June – not ok!