>

No one should have to work in the summer. It was so nice to be away and have some fun! I dreaded being back at work, but it was unavoidable.
 
We had a great time visiting my in-laws, who are pretty easy-going and fun. We didn't end up telling them about our ttc efforts, and I would assume at this point that we never will. I actually give them credit for never asking or putting pressure on us, especially since M is an only child. M's dad was the only male in his family (he has one sister), so the family will end with M if we don't have children. I know they would love to be grandparents, and I'm thankful that they don't say anything that would make me feel bad about the fact that they aren't. I don't know if they think we don't want children (M didn't, initially) or if we can't, but either way, I'm glad that seeing them doesn't make me feel worse about it. Actually, seeing them DOES make me feel worse about it, but only because I imagine them as grandparents…it's not anything they purposely do.
 
After visiting them, we had to take an unexpected trip to see my family, because my grandmother had passed away. It wasn't unexpected, but I wanted to support my dad and attend the memorial service. I'm not close with that side of my family, and it was the first time I had seen my cousins in at least 10 years. They're all my age, and apparently, very fertile. One cousin had two children, one was pregnant, and the other had a little girl. I couldn't help but think that I had somehow gotten the short end of the stick. Other than that, the service was very nice, and it was great to see my family. My mom did ask me if I had been back to see the doctor, and I explained that I hadn't, because there really wasn't anything to discuss. I have the prescriptions for follistim and femara…I just don't know what we want to do about it. My mom said that if I've been indecisive for this long, then I'm probably not really committed to it. I thought at first she meant committed to the idea of having children, but I think (and hope) she meant committed to undergoing infertility treatment. It's hard to discuss with her, because she's a very black and white kind of person, and she has a hard time looking at things from other people's points of view. It's not that she doesn't care, because she does, but she doesn't always interpret things correctly. I have low expectations for getting pregnant each month, and probably because of that, I'm not devastated each month when my period arrives. I have a tiny bit of hope, but my expectations are low. I've pretty much accepted our current situation, but it doesn't mean that I'm not sad about it. We will most likely not pursue fertility treatment, but that doesn't mean that I'm not interested in having children. The fact that I haven't been able to get pregnant naturally will always be a dissapointement and will always make me sad. I have described it to M. as the way that Julia Child deals with infertility in Julie and Julia – you can see she is affected when she sees babies or hears of her sister's pregnancy, but she continues to lead a happy and fufilling life. I may be ok, but it doesn't mean I am not bothered by it. I think to my mom, the fact that I am not continuing treatment and have mostly accepted that we won't have children (with the caveat that it could still happen – unlikely, but not impossible), means that I don't have any negative feelings about it. I tried to explain it, but it's not easy. I tried to explain the isolating aspect of infertility (M's coworkers with children only socialize with other people with children, and I used that as one example), but she replied that making new friends is no reason to have children. That's obviously not what I meant. I said that it just makes our situation feel more pronounced, but I could tell she wasn't getting it. It's almost like I have to make a case for why it's difficult to find that you're unable to have children – which seems so obvious to me. I gave up after a while. She's also always been of the 'get over it – move on' kind of mindset, so even if she understood, I'm pretty sure that would be her response.
 
Generally, it doesn't really matter whether or not my mom comprehends how I feel about being infertile, but she does do things on occasion that are a little insensitive. A good friend f mine recently had a baby, and she asked if I saw the photos. I said I thought I did, but my mom wanted to make sure, since she's such a beautiful baby. I did see the photos, and I sent her a nice response, but I didn't feel it was necessary to give them a second look with my mom. Later, we talked about the possibility of getting a 2nd dog. When we were at my SIL's house, my mom mentioned we were debating whether or not we wanted to get a second dog (I'm not even sure why she mentioned it), and my SIL said she had, too. My brother and SIL have a 3-year old little boy, and my parents have been asking her if they'll have a second child. When my SIL mentioned a second dog, my parents said she should have another baby instead. They were half-teasing, but it still came off as 'a second dog is fine for E, because she can't have a baby, but you – fertile daighter in law – should have a baby instead.' Whether or not my SIL will have another baby is a separate issue, but I thought the whole discussion was bizarre and a little insensitive. I love seeing my family, but I hate bringing memories of those conversations back with me when I leave.
 
My mom is right about one thing, though – if I'm being this indecisive, then my mind is probably already made up.
Advertisements