When I first started ttc (with my ex-husband), I think I was 28 years old. Since I'm 36 now, that means that I could, technically, have a 7 or 8 year old. In fact, I have friends who have 7 year old children, who started ttc the same time that I did. These friends have had more children, and they are generally moving past their family-building stage. I have other friends who waited a while or got married later, and they started ttc more recently. I started ttc (with my current husband) before they did, but they, too, now have children. It was hard to deal with the friends who had babies recently, because I was back in ttc mode, but it's really the friends who had babies when I was ttc the first time that really freak me out. On one hand, it's a reminder of what could have been (although in all honesty, thinking about that just hurts my head, because of the idea that I would have had a lifelong relationship with my ex, whether we stayed married or not). On the other hand, though, I literally feel confused by the whole thing. I don't feel old enough to have a seven year old, so how can they? Where did the time go? One minute, I was newly married, and trying to have a child; the next thing I know, I'm infertile, divorced, remarried, dealing with infertility again, and trying to arrive at some point of peace over the whole thing! It seems impossible that so much time has passed.
I've spent so much time thinking about infertility for the past eight years that it really is a part of me. Sometimes, I have to think back to remember what it was like in those first few months, or even years, when it was so hard to come to terms with the fact that I didn't know if I would ever be able to have children. Going through infertility treatment with my ex was such a difficult time, but it seems like a lifetime ago. Even though my old RE eventually felt the problem was with my ex (which was obviously incorrect, since he now has a child and I do not), it took three or four years to come to that conclusion. Those years were long and hard.When I got divorced, I didn't have to deal with infertility, necessarily, but I did have to accept that fact that I was likely (or so I thought at the time, because I had no desire to be a single parent by choice and didn't plan to remarry) to remain childless. When M and I started ttc two years ago, I was hopeful, but I was guarded, too. I already knew that things don't always go as planned, and that not everyone gets to have a child when they want to. Two years later, with no answers and no baby, it's sort of like coming full circle…and so much time has passed.
At least this time, my marriage has remained intact, and I feel luckier than ever to have the husband that I do.
I was looking at an alumni newsletter today from my college, and I read a few birth announcements. As I read them, I realized that I'm older than all the parents listed there. At first, I forgot how old I am, and I thought they must be really young (I seem to think I'm in some kind of a time warp that prevents me from aging). As I thought about it, though, I realized they are 28 years old. They're exactly the same age I was when I first started ttc, in my first marriage. It's amazing how much has happened in the past eight years.