I was thinking this morning about what to do with my blog. I'll always hope for a surprise pregnancy, but I don't expect it. We aren't doing anything about it, and for the most part, we're ok with it. Sometimes, I have second thoughts and wonder if I should reconsider IF treatment, but I think my health, happiness, sanity, and my marriage need to be my priorities. I've thought about writing a post about why I feel this way, but I haven't found a way to explain it in a concise way yet. It's especially hard to explain without sounding like I'm judging other people's decisions, which I am definitely not. I may post something about it later, but I am still figuring parts of it out.
I still struggle with aspects of infertility and being childless, and I think that will always be true. I don't want to write about those feelings all the time, though, because at a certain point, it's like beating a dead horse. Right now, I have more questions and partial thoughts than anything concrete…which leaves my blog up in the air. I seriously thought today about just taking it down, and then I had an interesting conversation.
I think I mentioned before that one of my coworkers is pregnant. Her shower is in a few weeks; luckily, I have other plans and can't go. I don't know if I would have, anyway, but there was a lot of talk today about who in my office is going to the shower (very few). I talked to two women who I have written about before – who both never married and don't have children – and they mentioned how much they hate showers. One said that she dislikes both wedding and baby showers, particularly since she never had a chance to have either of them herself (although we all agreed baby showers are the worst of the two). I've wondered in the past how they feel about things like pregnancies and baby showers (or weddings), and it was strange to feel united over something that none of us can have. Theirs may be situational, but I got the feeling that the reaction is much the same. While dealing with infertility makes the impact more difficult at times (esp. after a recent failed cycle), they sounded a little like any of us who dread baby showers, in part because it highlights what we don't have. One of the women mentioned the amount of money she's spent on bridal and baby showers – and said it's something that will never be reciprocated. It made me wonder…wouldn't it be great if there was a way for it to be reciprocated? For everyone to be cherished and celebrated? (yes, there are birthdays, but it's somehow not the same)
I also got an interesting email from a good friend, and honestly, it was irritating. She's planning to start trying to have a child, and is involved in sort of a bizarre relationship with a non-committal man. She's had a lot of uterine/fibroid issues, so she isn't entirely sure how their ttc efforts will go. I don't really know what to think about her relationship, but that's not the part that bothered me. She started her email by asking how everything went with the dr. and my "ovulation tests." She said I seemed overwhelmed last time I saw her (which was a year ago), and wondered how it all turned out. She was asking mostly because she wanted to let me know that she may need to depend on me if she runs into any problems.
There are so many things about it that bothered me…I don't even now where to start. First of all, if she wanted to know how everything was going, how about asking? Second, if it had "turned out" ok, wouldn't she know that I was pregnant? I felt sort of like she was only asking for her own benefit, and while I understand, a little tact would have been nice. The other part that's frustrating is that I sent her a long email back about what had happened, how they didn't find anything wrong, how I tried Clomid, my insurance issues, and how I didn't really want to go any further with treatment, and she didn't even respond! She did, though, have time to post something on facebook, so it's not like she's too busy to check her email. So disappointing.
So, after my interesting conversations, I decided to keep my blog up, after all. I may not always have something good to write about, but I think there are enough reasons to keep it going!