I'm feeling better in a few respects.
First, I'm no longer spotting/bleeding, and I haven't been since Monday. That is good news! I still don't know what the heck is going on. Looking back, something similar (although less severe) happened in June. I have had occasional spotting when I ovulate, so that could have been it…but it still seems way extreme. My hormones could just be out of whack this month (maybe an unusually large dip in estrogen at ovulation?), but of course I wonder what else it could be. My abdomen was kind of achey the week before the bleeding/spotting began, and I started to wonder if I had a cyst or fibroid or something. Then, of course I started to worry that it was something more severe. Either way, I'm happy that it's resolved itself. AF is due sometime between this weekend and early next week, and I'm starting to feel my usual PMS-symptoms. Things for now seem to be back to normal. I'm due for my annual exam at my ob/gyn soon, so I'll mention this whole occasional bleeding thing to them and see what they say. Maybe they could do an ultrasound and see what's going on. Part of me hopes it's some kind of a link to my inability to get pregnant, but I would really rather the whole thing just not happen again.
I'm also feeling mentally/emotionally better. I'm guessing part of it is tied to my wonky cycle, but there's also been a lot going on that's frustrating. I had a difficult trip visiting my family and friends in my hometown that is still weighing on me. I'm not upset with them, but visits like that sometimes make me realize how distant I am from where I grew up. I don't want to live there, but between being childless and living somewhere else, I feel so disconnected. My life is so different than theirs, and as I get older, it becomes harder to relate. I used to put a lot of effort into staying in touch with everyone, but it's more difficult now. The people there are all important to me, and I care about them, but our lives are changing, and we're in different places (physically and mentally).
I don't mind where we live, and sometimes I really like it, but lately I feel like I'm ready for a change. I think being in my hometown highlighted that for me. I know a large part of it is my job, which I hate. I used to have a job with purpose, and while I didn't always love it, I at least felt like I was contributing and making a difference. So many of our friends have moved away, and while we've made new ones, it's not the same. They're a lot younger than I am, and really, they're M's friends. Usually, I try not to dwell on any of this, but we keep talking about moving, and that makes it harder to ignore! Since I first found out I was losing my job last summer/fall, we've tried twice to get new jobs and relocate. Both times, it's failed. Both times, I've wondered later if we didn't try hard enough or gave up too easily. Are our expectations too high? Are there options we aren't seeing? M is once again talking to a company who may or may not give him a new job. This time, though, things seem possible. I am keeping everything on me crossed and am really hoping this will be it. Knowing that a fresh start is within our grasp is so exciting, but we're so afraid to get our hopes up. I'm fantasizing about our new life while trying really hard to appreciate what we already have. It's just not always easy.