I realized while running last night that my ex-husband and I would have been married for ten years next month. In some ways, that doesn't seem possible! In other ways, though, I think of myself at 26 and realize how much time has gone by. When I look at it that way, it could have been 20 years ago. In ten years, I got married, dealt with infertility, got divorced, got remarried, and dealt with infertility again. Looking at it that way, that's a lot to pack into ten years.
A lot of my friends and I got married around the same time (when I was married the first time). One of my friends has also divorced, and another just had a baby. The others, though, now have children who are 7 or 8 years old. Most of them have two children. Sometimes, I look at them and can't believe they have children who are already in school! Other times, I think, 'that would have been me.' My other set of friends who got married later also started ttc around the same time that M and I did, and they all have babies that are 6-9 months old. There have been times I've thought, 'that should be me,' but really, this has gone on for so long (between both marriages) that it's beginning to be hard to imagine any other kind of reality. I have another friend who got married last year, and I heard through a mutual friend that she has started ttc and is concerned that she isn't pregnant yet. I saw this friend in February, and we talked about it a little then. She wasn't sure if they were ready to start trying, but was afraid to put it off. I guess they decided to go for it, but they haven't been successful yet. This mutual friend said she's trying not to worry about it, but we know her, and know she probably is. I planned to call her after talking to our mutual friend, just to see if she needed any support, but sometimes I just feel tired. After all this time, I'm sort of like the go-to person for infertility and ttc topics among both groups of my good friends (from high school and college). I'm really glad to help, and I hate to think of my friends suffering or feeling alone, but sometimes, it's not the role I want. It's hard to keep giving out advice, explaining options, and being encouraging when I am always stuck in the same place. A few of my friends have struggled to get pregnant, and I'm glad that they have healthy babies today, but it's hard to be the one who is always doing the cheering on. I want to be supportive, but it's not always easy.
On a more positive note, M is interviewing for a new job TODAY. I am so excited, nervous, apprehensive…you name it, and I am probably feeling it! This job would mean that we would relocate – and it's something we both really want. It's scary – we'd have to rent our place, I'd have to find a job, etc., but I think it would be worth it. I get nervous about the financial aspect, but I think it can work. I think sometimes, you have to look past the negative and not be trapped by fear – you have to take a leap and hope for the best. I feel like this is one benefit of being childless – we can afford to take a risk, so why not?
So…today will be a looong and unfocused day for me. I just hope it ends with good news!!!! I'll be praying and crossing everything in the meantime.