>I’m just not feeling the holiday spirit this year. I keep trying – imagining the nice Christmas tree we had in our home last year (our apartment is too small to have a big tree, so we have a fake 2 ft tree that we haven’t even been motivated to decorate), embracing the sound of Christmas carols, and attending local holiday events. It’s not helping, though – I still feel sort of numb about the whole thing. I know part of it is due to the fact that we aren’t traveling to see my family this year, that we just moved, and that we now live in a warmer climate. I know, too, that Christmas just isn’t the same holiday for me that it was when I was younger, or when I was in college – where I couldn’t wait to go home for the holidays and launch myself into a full celebration of holiday festivities. It’s just not the same now. My parents are older now – they don’t even put up a tree – and they’re mentally preparing for their winter trip to the south. The commercialism and consumerism of the whole holiday bothers me, and I spend too much time thinking about how I don’t know what to buy anyone, and what I can think of, I can’t afford. I think sometimes I was better off when I was a poor college student – because no one really expected much from me, anyway.

There’s also the childless aspect of the holidays, that I try so hard to get past, but I just can’t. The holidays are such a reminder of what we don’t have, and probably never will. I mean, the holiday is ABOUT birth – there’s really no getting around it. The fact that my parents and brother commented multiple times that they need to spend the holidays with their “only grandchild” didn’t help anything, but I already knew they would feel that way, and in some ways, they’re right. He is only going to be young once, and he is the only grandchild. This Christmas, though – without our trip to see my family – it’s hard for me to ignore the fact that it’s just the two of us celebrating the holidays together. We have each other, and I am so thankful for that, but I’m finding it difficult to make it feel like a holiday. It’s hard to make it feel different than any other day, and it’s even harder to make it feel like the kind of holiday I imagined when I was younger. It’s hard to ignore the feeling that we’re missing something that we wanted – something that comes so easily to so many others. I miss being excited about the holidays, but it’s tiring to try.

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