>I had an interesting chat with my acupuncturist yesterday. At the end of my appointment, we usually have a quick recap where she reminds me what I’m supposed to be doing. This time, she told me to keep charting my bbt, and we talked for a little while about how helpful it is to see exactly when I’m ovulating and what else is going on. She said that charting can really get to some people and create some stress/worry/obsession, but that I seemed fine with it. I told her that there were times in my past that I didn’t deal with it well, and I said that when I was married the first time and started charting my bbt, I became a little crazy. I was so afraid that something was wrong, and I came to hate charting. (Actually, I hated all of it – charting, testing – and feeling like I couldn’t get it out of my mind.) I told her that I had a much harder time dealing with infertility in general then, and that I have told my husband that he’s lucky he’s married to me now and is benefiting from my past experiences. We talked about it for a little while, and then she said that I need to be sure I’ve put all that behind me and let it go.

I agreed, but I’ve continued to think about it ever since. I keep wondering – how would I know if I let it go? And what exactly am I letting go – my negative feelings about my previous marriage? My previous experience dealing with infertility?

I think that I really have let it go, and that I’ve been able to put those dark days behind me. When M and I first started ttc, I was scared – not so much of dealing with infertility again (although I was scared of that, too), but of how we would react to it. I hoped that we would get pregnant right away, and that we wouldn’t have to deal with it at all. It was upsetting, to say the least, when I realized I was going to deal with infertility again, and that we were also going to have to deal with it as a couple. I think at that point, I had not put my previous experiences behind me, and I hadn’t let it go. But here we are, two and a half years later, still trying (unfortunately), but no worse for wear. I used to be afraid that I would feel alone in the struggle – as I did in my previous marriage – but nothing could be further than the truth. I used to be afraid that I would see an ugly side to our relationship – that dealing with infertility would make me doubt our ability to support one another and make decisions together – but that hasn’t happened, either. I think my fears have subsided, and in the process, I think I have been able to let it go.

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