After my appointment-making debacle on Friday, I found myself a little frazzled. I felt like I was thinking in circles about infertility, ttc, acupuncture, doctors appointments, our future…and I realized that I really have no idea what we – or I, even – want to do to try to get pregnant. It’s hard to even put it into words.

I looked at doctors on Saturday morning again and realized that I don’t even know what I’m looking for in a doctor – do I want someone who will treat infertility, or do I want someone who will just give me an annual exam and make sure there isn’t anything weird going on with my ovaries (since I have had some intermittent pain)? When I first started acupuncture, I thought it would be worth a try, and so far, I don’t regret it. But it’s hard – it’s going down that path of really trying to get pregnant, when we had pretty much given up. My acupuncturist is so hopeful that this is going to work, and I know she probably thinks her attitude is helpful, but it’s not. I would love to think it could work, but it may not…and really, the chances are probably better that it won’t work than that it will. Sometimes I’m just tired of the whole thing – of thinking about it at all – and while acupuncture is relaxing, it’s sort of like a weekly reminder of the fact I’m infertile. On one hand, I feel like I need a break from going, but on the other, I know there’s a better chance of it working if I continue. I don’t want to think that the next cycle would have worked if I kept going, or maybe the cycle after that…but I also can’t do it forever.

Those what ifs start to carry over into other forms of treatment…what if the next medication would have worked? What if we tried IVF? Sometimes, I feel so confident in the decisions we’ve made, but then doubts creep in. I think sometimes that trying acupuncture – and letting in that little bit of hope – has a downside.