Sometimes, lately, I just feel tired. I’m tired of thinking about trying to have a child, and tired of being hopeful. I’m tired of wondering why I can’t get pregnant, when no one can really figure out why. There are times when I look back on how long I’ve been thinking about trying to have a child, and it just makes me ill. I’ve spent over half my marriage dealing with infertility (although avoiding dealing with it might be more appropriate!), and I spent the majority of my previous marriage dealing with it, too. I talked to a friend of mine on the phone yesterday, and she has two children. One of them is probably 7 or 8 years old, and the other one is 5 or 6. I have a few friends that got married the same year I did (the first time), or the year after. If I didn’t get a divorce, I would be married for 10.5 years now. If I hadn’t been infertile, I would have an 8 year old.

When I see photos of my friends’ children or talk to someone on the phone who had children around that time, I’m just stunned. It’s shocking that so much time has passed – and I can’t believe they have children that are so old. I have a few friends with babies, but most of my friends now have older children. Our lives couldn’t be any different.

Sometimes I wonder if too much time has passed – and if I’m just getting too old. I know a lot of women have children into their 40’s, or at least want to have children into their 40’s, and I’m getting close. In two months, I’ll be 37. It occurred to me recently that maybe there really wasn’t anything wrong with me the first time…maybe it really was my ex husband’s infection that prevented us from getting pregnant. Maybe he was treated for it, and no longer had problems…or, maybe he just got lucky in his second marriage. I did get pregnant once while married to him – even if it was a chemical that lasted only a few days. Considering that the RE at that time said our chances – even with an IUI and Clomid – were less than 5%, it’s pretty incredible that I even had a chemical pregnancy on a natural cycle. So, maybe they were right, and what I’m dealing with now is something completely different. Maybe this time, it is my age.

When I talked to my friend on the phone, I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe it’s just too late. Maybe for my body, too much time has passed. Maybe we’re too set in our ways – too used to a life without children.

I’ve been getting acupuncture since December 19. It’s been a little over two months – almost two and a half. I have to decide if I want to pay for one more package of treatments, which would last five weeks. I have to skip a week because of work, so at that point, the package of treatments would last until almost the end of April. I will have paid for and received 15 acupuncture treatments, which I think is probably enough. Part of me wants to quit early, and not even bother with this last round, but I think I should see it through. I’m supposed to start taking some Chinese herbs this time to help with liver stagnation – so we’ll see how that goes.

I finally picked a doctor for an annual exam, and I’m thinking she’ll also be able to check to see why I had that strange mid-cycle bleeding a few months ago and why I’m having some strange and intermittent abdominal pains. I went with a gynecologist – who does not provide obstetric services. I decided that it wasn’t really necessary to go to an ob/gyn – I’m not pregnant, and it’s the ob part of the ob/gyn that causes all those late appointments. It’s hard to sit in waiting rooms full of pregnant women, and half the time, because I’m actually not pregnant, I don’t even end up seeing the doctor. I think that at least for now, this will be a good option. I figure that if I want to go for more testing and treatment, I can go to an RE, and if I even do become pregnant, I’ll go to an ob/gyn. I really debated about seeing that other doctor I mentioned – the one that had me on hold for 50 minutes trying to make an appointment – but my gut instinct is to go somewhere else. On top of the fact that he’s a man (which I know isn’t a big deal and that other people have had good experiences with – but I can’t help it!), he works in a large practice. Waiting times to see him range from two to four hours, and I’ve been told that the staff will make several attempts to have patients see one of his assistants instead. I normally wouldn’t mind, but if I’m going there to see him, then I want to see him. Another thing that concerns me is that I think he’s very pro-medication. It’s hard for me to describe my fears here, but it’s mainly this: if I’m going to go down the path of medicated cycles, I’d like to see an RE this time. If I’m going to go to an ob/gyn, I don’t want to take medication. I do have some interest in seeing him because I’ve heard that he’s really good at figuring out why people can’t get pregnant, but I just have so many doubts about it. Maybe I’m just worn out.

So for now, I’ll go buy my chinese herbs, keep doing acupuncture, see this gynecologist, and that will be it.

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