At the end of December, after dealing with my family’s crisis and being on the receiving end of three pregnancy announcements, I was really starting to think that maybe we were giving up too easily on our quest to have children. My mom and I talked briefly about my inability to have children one night while my dad was in the hospital, and she told me that I should be thankful for what I already have. She said this was something she came to appreciate more deeply in dealing with my dad’s illness. I agree, in some ways, and I feel like I really am thankful for what I already have. I have an amazing husband, a great little dog, and a nice life overall. I am so thankful that I wonder sometimes if I am protecting our short term happiness to the extent that we may be sacrificing a greater, more fulfilling happiness down the road.

I felt like I was on the verge of tears for days after that trip, for a lot of reasons, but one thought that replayed in my mind over and over again was that I was just tired of feeling bad about the fact that we can’t have children. I’m tired of it always being there, in the background, casting a shadow on my life. I keep feeling like the feeling will pass…that accepting our situation would bring me some kind of peace…and sometimes, it does. But it’s the out of the blue times that are the hardest – and the ones that make me question if we are really doing the right thing.

Even though my friend had success with IVF the first time, I still don’t feel like it’s the right path for us. I never have, and I can’t really explain why. I just have this overwhelming feeling that it won’t work for me. Our current circumstances make it even less plausible, and maybe I would feel differently if I were younger, not recovering from cervical dysplasia, and not dealing with a sick parent…but those are the cards we’ve been dealt.

M and I have never really considered adoption…not really for any particular reason, but we just didn’t. Initially, the biological link was important to us, and I think that especially for M, the idea of  a little us was what motivated him to want to be a parent. This combination – no desire to proceed with fertility treatments and no interest in adoption – was what brought us to our path to live childfree. I used to consider it a decision, but looking back, I think it was more of a default than a choice. We didn’t to pursue the two options that were available to us, and we were left with only a sliver of hope and the knowledge that we would probably never be parents.

After a difficult summer and fall (seriously, 2012 has GOT to be a better year), I reconsidered everything. I found myself unexpectedly considering adoption – Why hadn’t we pursued it? Why weren’t we interested? What would that be like for us, for the child, and for our family? Would I feel the same way as if I had a biological child?

I can’t really explain why I didn’t consider it before or why it suddenly seems like a good idea – all I know is that it does. M is easing into the idea, and I am giving him time to really think it over. I still have billions of questions and plenty of fears, but I am cautiously optimistic that this could be our path to having a family.

 

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