We have an appointment with the RE in a few weeks for an initial appointment/consultation. I imagine after that, there will be some testing, and then we’ll hear what they have to say. Depending on what they say, I may or may not start some form of treatment.

I have such mixed feelings – about all of it. On on hand, I want to go on looking at the bright side and accept what we have – a nice life, a good marriage, a cute dog, and just let it go. Accept that we won’t have children and move on. But we tried that already, and we’re back here…again. I wonder – if we knew more childless couples, would it be easier to just move on? If I had a more fulfilling job, would I not feel the need to parent quite as strongly?

My research into adoption has been so discouraging. I felt like it could be the right path for us, and it still could, but it’s just so complicated…and expensive. Our age (almost 38 and 39) and the cost are such obstacles…we just don’t have a lot of time, and unfortunately, we don’t have $25-50,000 that we can use for adoption. It’s like a puzzle, where each time I think I see a solution, it doesn’t quite fit, or brings another problem along with it that makes the puzzle that much harder to fit together. Maybe it’s the right path for us, but maybe it’s not. I just don’t know.

I realized the other day that I first started trying to have a child ten years ago. I tried to get pregnant for three years with my first husband, got divorced (and assumed I wouldn’t be having children at that point), got remarried, and tried again. Now it’s been three and a half years. It’s almost hard to me to imagine that anything would work, after all this time. It’s not because I’ve had so many tests or medicated cycles or IUIs or IVF cycles…it’s just that it’s been so long, I can’t imagine having someone tell me I’m pregnant. I dread being on fertility medication because I just can’t imagine it working. I know, rationally, that it could, but I also know it may not. My guess – unless the RE finds something that makes  any success unlikely (or if my cervix is so damaged that even getting pregnant would be a bad idea*) – is that we’ll at least start some form of treatment, and see how it goes. As much as the idea of adoption resonates with me, the cost is such an obstacle (especially since I have coverage for infertility treatment).

I don’t know which option is right for us, and I have mixed feelings about all of it. At least we’re making progress and moving forward, and even though I don’t know where we’ll end up, eat least we’re trying.


*This seems unlikely, because I think my gynecologist would have recommended that I take some kind of precaution, since she’s well aware that I don’t use any form of birth control