Sometimes, I find it difficult to stay motivated to deal with infertility. I know that probably sounds crazy to a lot of people, but it’s true. I waffle or waiver between feeling excited and hopeful to wanting to just move on and let it go. This has been true for the last three years – about six months after we started trying. I dealt with infertility in my previous marriage, so I knew where we were heading. I am not willing to sacrifice our quality of life in the process of trying to get pregnant, or to forget how lucky we already are to have each other. I dealt with infertility once in a bad marriage and ended up getting divorced. While I know that won’t happen now, I do feel fortunate to be happily married now, and to even be having the choice to try again.

That feeling – of luckiness, of happiness, and of appreciation – sometimes makes it difficult to stay motivated to start fertility treatment (again). I find myself thinking that maybe not having children isn’t so bad…that we do a good job of making the best of it, and maybe it’s not worth the struggle. Maybe, over time, it won’t matter so much. Maybe we won’t feel left out, and won’t wish we had tried harder.

Some days, I have to consciously remind myself of how I felt when we weren’t trying so hard, and why we are trying again.

Then, there are other days. Days where I see a woman running with a stroller and think, without having time to stop myself, ‘I’ll do that when we have a baby.’ Days where I see women in my neighborhood outside with their small children – with their family. The worst are the days where I see the dads teaching their children how to ride a bike or playing in the yard. Seeing dads hits me the hardest because, for one thing, my dad is and always has been a great dad, and he has cancer, and also because I know that M would be the same kind of dad (although hopefully without cancer). On those days, I am glad we are trying again and doing what we can to have a baby one way or another. I makes me feel like the effort and struggle will be worth it.

I feel like I need reminders, sometimes, of why we should keep trying. I read this popular blog – Enjoying the Small Things (http://www.kellehampton.com/) – and she writes almost constantly about her family. I don’t recommend it for people dealing with infertility who are feeling vulnerable about their childlessness, but for me, it’s a reminder of why we need to persevere. I’ll admit, though, some of her posts are like torture, because I know I may never get there – and I can’t help but somehow feel less because I am not a mother (she doesn’t say that, and it’s possible it’s my own situation making me feel that way). Still, though, she has a great story and is an amazing writer and photographer, and her posts are strangely motivating for me. I read her blog and think ‘I want that feeling.’

There are a few bloggers that I read who are parenting and are/were infertile, too. I tend to keep reading until the baby/babies are born/adopted, but I lose interest in some after that. For the others, I like seeing where they are in their lives. When we weren’t trying, I liked reading about their lives. Now that we are again, it’s motivating. And on their hardest days, it helps me remember that parenting is hard – that the struggle to become a parent and have a baby is not the end of the road.

I’ve been surprised, lately, to read that there’s some kind of animosity toward bloggers who dealt with infertility and became parents. I think that without those stories, and without those successes, it would be harder for me to keep trying. Their successes, and their failures, are both motivating and frightening, and that’s why dealing with infertility is hard.

All our tests are done, and the dr. is reviewing everything in preparation for a consultation to discuss our next steps. I feel calm, but slightly anxious/excited. I want to get things going, but I want to prolong my medication-free days. And in the end, I want this to work.

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