My surgery is scheduled, and it’s about three weeks away. My insurance pays 90%, and I know I’m lucky, but I am still going to have to pay $700. Boo. 😦

After my surgery, I’m hoping not to have too much recovery time, but I’m not making any plans, just in case. I think I have to see the dr. four weeks later for a post-op visit, and somewhere in there I also need to see my Ob/Gyn to make sure none of those pesky abnormal cervical cells have returned. I wish the timing were different, because I’d like to postpone my Ob/Gyn visit, but cervical cancer isn’t something the screw around with. I’m hoping that going four weeks after the lap will be ok. It’s currently scheduled for 2 weeks post-lap, but I don’t want to risk being uncomfortable when my Ob/Gyn does the usual ovary check.

Until then, I’m having fun, exercising, and hopefully running a race. I feel like I should make the most of this time, because I honestly don’t know what’s next. Even though IVF seems to be the next step, I don’t know when it will be. If the lap shows that my insides are a big mess, I don’t know what we’ll do. I guess it will depend on what the doctor thinks our chances are, really! Assuming we do go ahead with IVF, though, I want to make the most of my medication-free time and being able to drink and run all I want.

I’ve been thinking a lot about our situation, and even though I’m still disappointed by possible endo, the endometrioma, and my egg quality, I’m glad to know more about what’s going on. That’s pretty much how I feel about the lap, too – whatever comes of it, I’ll know what’s going on – whether this has possibly prevented me from getting pregnant or not. Even if we don’t ever end up having a baby, we’ll know we tried and have a better idea of why it didn’t work out.

It’s strange, though, having surgery that I could really opt out of, if I wanted to. I mean, I still have the cyst, and that’s an issue no matter what, but it’s not like when I had the abnormal cervical cells (and mine were really bad). That was scary, and I wanted to do whatever I could to prevent cervical cancer. I know that for some people, having a baby feels the same way, but for me, it’s just not the same feeling. I want to stay alive more than I want to have a baby, hands down.

That’s something I remind myself of all the time. While this is hard, what my dad has been doing – dealing with a rare form of lymphoma for the past four months – is scarier. I’m definitely more scared of losing my dad than I am of living childfree. Sometimes, when I think about whether we’ll do IVF and what if it doesn’t work, I think about our lives – right now. And if it doesn’t work, and we never have a baby, our lives will basically be the same as they are right now. We’ll sill be happily married, and we’ll still love each other. We’ll still have our dog, and we’ll make the best of it. It’s not how we want things to go, but we’ll survive.