While I’m waiting for insurance approval (fingers crossed!) to start treatment and trying to just make the best of things, there are lots of hopes and fears that keep trying to get in the way.

– I have had a tiny bit of hope (which rationally, I know is completely unrealistic) that I’d get pregnant naturally this cycle – now that my endometrioma and other bits of endometriosis are gone. I’d be one of those stories – those mythical people who are waiting to start treatment and get pregnant. Wouldn’t that be crazy??? Well, the answer is yes – that WOULD be crazy, because I am getting crampy and spotting a little and feel like AF is in its way, which I’m sure it is. It looks like it might be early, too. Maybe it’s a 38th birthday present from my body.

– I hope that IVF will work.

– I hope we are making the right decision.

– I’m nervous about scheduling an IVF cycle. If I am, as it seems, getting my period early, then that means my cycle in June will start a little earlier than I had hoped. I have to travel for work in July and absolutely cannot get out of it. I hope that doesn’t create a problem. I’ll need to be gone for 2 or 3 days/nights.

– I’m afraid that I am going to get left behind by my friends. Most of my friends have children already, but the last of my childless friends are pregnant. I feel like it’s already affecting our relationships, and it makes me sad – especially with the person who’s been pretty much my best friend since high school. I don’t hear from her as often as I used to, and I think that her extreme fertility has made it even harder for her to understand my dealing with infertility. You would think it would be the opposite – that it would make her more compassionate – but it hasn’t. If I don’t have a child, I feel like the gap between us will continue to grow.

– I’m afraid that the first IVF won’t work, and that M and I won’t agree on how to proceed. Or, that it won’t work, and my RE won’t let us proceed with my own eggs.

– I’m afraid that M is going to get tired of dealing with all this.

– I’m afraid that my dad’s cancer will come back, and on top of how horrible that will be, that I won’t be able to focus on infertility treatment.

I wish I could just know how it’s all going to unfold, so I could stop worrying and just deal with it.