I attended a dinner with some colleagues this week, and in the course of a conversation about one of our past college presidents, this person said, "Never want something too much." He was talking about this particular president’s inability to deal with some of the issues he faced, because he was paralyzed by his desire to be a college president. I thought about it that night – not in terms of my employment – but related to infertility. It’s hard to remain rational, to make good decisions, and to appreciate the good things we already have when we want something so much. When is it too much?

Sometimes it feels like everything is on hold and in limbo. I’m waiting for insurance approval so that I can start treatment which may or may not work. I feel like it’s time to move on to a new job, but I can’t, because I need my insurance benefits for infertility coverage. I don’t know, though, how long treatment will last, or what I’ll do if/when I get pregnant. I can’t look for a new job early in my pregnancy, because what if I have a miscarriage and need to start all over? On the other hand, maybe my job would be ideal if I had a baby, and I’d be glad I stayed. What if I don’t ever have a baby…what do I want to do then? I think I need a more rewarding and fulfilling job, but I feel like a lot of my skills are fading away the longer I stay in my current position. But I have to stay, until I know what’s going to happen. What if I never feel like I know?

I’m reading "Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail." I love it, and it’s giving me a lot to think about. She is absolutely not writing about infertility, but she’s writing about survival, after enduring tragedy, making bad decisions, and losing herself all together. It’s somehow inspiring, but I can’t really articulate why yet. There’s a quote at the start of one of the chapters:

"What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" — Mary Oliver

I keep thinking about that quote – that this IS it…that this is my one shot at my life. It’s what’s making me move forward with fertility treatment, and it’s what makes me want to leave it behind. I want to live life to the fullest, but I also don’t want to have any regrets. I think about what my colleague said. It’s such a balance.

I feel like I’m at a crossroads, and even though I’m surrounded by uncertainty, I’m calm. But I’m ready to see which path will be mine.

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