Today is CD 19, which means that AF will arrive sometime next week.That also means that sometime next week, I’ll be calling the IVF nurse to start bcp’s. I’m nervous and excited. We’re going to an IVF orientation tomorrow, and I don’t know if that’s going to make me feel better or worse. I have leftover IVF medication from a friend of mine (who is literally having a baby any day/minute), and I feel like it’s a ticking time bomb in my fridge. At first, I was able to just ignore it, but now that my IVF cycle is looming in the not-so-distant future, it’s like it taunts me every time I open the door.

I’ve got a pretty good exercise regimen going, and I’ll definitely plan to continue that until I can’t. I hoped to lose a few more lbs, but I’m already a healthy weight – I just wanted some buffer for any potential weight gain from IVF or lack of exercise.

I’m trying to be optimistic and excited without counting on it working the first time. I mean, there’s a 50-60% chance that it won’t, so I don’t want to get my hopes up. If it did, though, that would be freaking incredible. After 4.5 years, I can’t imagine knowing I am going to have a baby.

I’m still a bit freaked out about some travel I have to do in August, and how that will affect the cycle, but I’m putting my faith in the hands of the IVF coordinator and am assuming that she knows what she’s doing. Since I travel for work, and we both have friends and family on opposite coasts, there’s rarely a month where I don’t have to travel. Hopefully, this August trip won’t pose too much of a problem.

In the meantime, I feel like everything is in limbo. I don’t know if we’re going on the vacation we planned for the spring, because it’s dependent a little bit on whether this cycle works (I don’t really want to be 8 months pregnant on vacation!). My office is in shambles, but I don’t know if it’s worth dealing with because we’ll need to move a lot of things around to accommodate a nursery. I don’t know if we should be throwing ourselves into projects around the house now, so that M doesn’t have to do them on his own if I’m pregnant, or if we can do them at a leisurely pace. And then there’s my job, which is getting stranger by the day, but I have to keep it in order to have IVF covered by my insurance. What I want to do about my current job situation also hinges on whether or not we have a baby.

I know it’s common to feel like it’s impossible to plan when dealing with infertility, but because we’ve been at this for a while, that aspect hasn’t affected me in years. I mean, the chances of us actually having a baby were so slim that we’ve pretty much lived like it wasn’t going to happen. Now, though, we’re caught in the middle – unable to live like it isn’t going to happen, but not like it definitely will, either.

When AF arrives next week, I feel like a whole bunch of uncertainty is going to arrive with it.