Today is CD 19. AF should arrive sometime next week (probably between Wednesday and Friday), which means it will be time to call the IVF nurse and get things started. It makes me nervous – all this time leading up to it – that something will go wrong. I’m not even to the point of worrying about the cycle itself yet. I’m just hoping we can try. We’ve been waiting and waiting to do this, and I want to embrace this moment, but I can’t – not fully – because I feel like something could go wrong. It’s like I won’t believe it’s going to happen until it’s actually underway.

Still, though, the assumption is that this will be happening, and soon. This Sunday, I’ll run my last pre-IVF race, not knowing when or how much I’ll be running in the next six weeks, or (fingers crossed) 9 months. I’m not a great runner by any means…I’m not very fast, and I tend to get injured if I run too much, even following the most conservative training plans. I like running, though. I like how I sometimes feel like crap at the beginning (even after three years!), but almost always feel rewarded at the end. I like how it takes a certain mindset to just keep running, even when I want to stop. I like that I feel strong and just present, and that I can forgive myself for a run that didn’t go as well as I would have liked.

I think the race will be good, and the timing is great. I know I’ll need a reminder of what I’m capable of doing, and what my body can do. I want to celebrate it, before I have to face head on what it can’t hasn’t been able to do so far.

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