I saw my friend and her baby yesterday. I can’t say it bothers me, necessarily, to see them, but it does make me feel somehow disconnected. Maybe that’s not the right term. I am so happy for her, but I just feel…maybe a little off is the right term? I want to seem to happy for them (and I truly am), and I want to be involved and supportive, but it’s like I just can’t quite get all the way there. I’m paranoid, too, about the divide that’s growing – between me, the non-mom, and my friend, the mom. I don’t know how much diapers cost or where to buy them. I don’t know what’s normal for a two-month old. I don’t know how hard it is to breastfeed or how much babies usually sleep or what it’s like to deal with your mother-in-law and your new baby. I don’t know what it’s like to have to make birth control decisions as a woman who got pregnant via IVF and doesn’t know if it’s possible to get pregnant again but doesn’t want to be pregnant right now.

I keep thinking that it’s ok – that I’ll be where she is before too long. But what if I’m not? What if I’m still in the midst of IVF cycles and still haven’t had a baby a year from now? What if we try IVF and then move on to DE and even that doesn’t work? What if M and I never even come to an agreement on DE?

I keep reminding myself that this phase won’t last forever. We won’t always be gearing up for treatment (and seriously, all this waiting to start IVF is not helping at this point) or wondering whether we’ll ever be parents. At some point, we’ll either be parents or we won’t, and we’ll deal with it. And I’ll keep my fingers crossed in the meantime.

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