For the past four years, infertility has been this thing mostly looming in the corner. It’s there, but we don’t focus on it. We continued to take vacations, we relocated, and we took new jobs. We could have put infertility treatment first, but we chose not to. We’ve started and stopped treatment a few times along the way, and aside from the painful fact that we have been unable to have a child, have pretty much enjoyed our lives. Infertility has always been something we deal with, but our lives haven’t revolved around it.

Now that the IVF cycle is almost here, though, I feel like we’re in limbo – or even worse, that we’re in some sort of prison. I just have absolutely no idea what the future holds. I don’t know if IVF will work, or how many times we’ll try it. I don’t know if we’ll go the DE route, and even if we do, whether that will work. I don’t know if we’ll come out of all this with a baby, or how long it’s all going to take. We keep thinking that by the Spring, we’ll know one way or the other…either I’ll be pregnant, or not – and if it’s not, then we’ll likely be done with treatment. But considering the delays we’ve had so far…that I had my HSG in February and am only now starting IVF…I wonder if our assumption is accurate.

It’s like there’s a line in the sand – after October, we just don’t plan anything. We have a vacation that we booked ages ago for this Spring, thinking that we’d either be pregnant or done with treatment by then, but now I’m not so sure.

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I’ve never really liked my job. I took this position three years ago because I was being laid off from a job I actually did like, and this was the one opportunity that was available at the time. I thought it would be temporary – that we’d be moving soon – so I took it. A year later, I was still there. Eventually, we did relocate, and my boss let me keep my job, working from home. That was also supposed to be temporary, and I’ve been doing it for almost two years.

Things have been on shaky ground for the past six months. I got a new boss, and there’s been a lot of turnover in the office. I look for other jobs occasionally, but I wouldn’t take just anything to give up working from home. Plus, my current job has health insurance that covers infertility. I’ve already been approved for multiple rounds of IVF. So, I’m sort of stuck where I am.* I don’t know why I even look. Yesterday, I saw a job I think I would like. It’s different than what I do now, but it would sort of pull together everything I’ve done for the past 15+ years. I’ve worked in three different fields (although two are kind of related), so it’s definitely a unique opportunity. It’s the kind of job I imagine when I think about jobs I’d like to do after this one. I WANT to apply. But really, I can’t.

M thought I should apply anyway. His idea was that maybe it would take a while to get around to interviews, and that maybe we’d be finished with IVF by then. It’s also possible I wouldn’t even get an interview, or that the pay would be way too low. Realistically, though, we’ll only be done with IVF by then if it works. And if it does, do I really want to get a new job right when I get pregnant? And would I really want to swap working from home with a long commute with a new baby?

My current job is ideal for going through IVF**, and for having a baby. It’s just not ideal if IVF doesn’t work. It kills me that I can’t apply for this job, because it’s a rare opportunity. If we don’t end up with a baby, I might have given up a great job (I realize that’s a big assumption and I am probably making that job into more than it really is) for nothing.

It feels like infertility is gaining more control over my life. I just keep reminding myself – this won’t last forever.

 

 

 

 

*I know I’m so lucky to have coverage for IVF and I do feel bad complaining when so many people would love to have the coverage that I do.

**It’s mostly ideal. The travel part is not so ideal, since that prevents me from having any kind of treatment every other month. Scheduling around work travel has been a royal pain.

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