Thanks to everyone who wished me congratulations and has provided so much support over the past few weeks!

I heard from one of the nurses yesterday afternoon, and she said to continue what I’m doing (crinone in the a.m., 2 mg estradiol 2 x’s per day; baby aspirin) and repeat my blood work on Monday. I was surprised they said Monday instead of Saturday, but hopefully on Monday we’ll see a good rise over a 4 day period. At that point, I’ll be 12dp5dt, which is when a lot of people seem to get their first beta, anyway. I suppose it wouldn’t make much of a difference which day they do it on, anyway, since there isn’t a heck of a lot we can do if the numbers don’t look good. So, more waiting, but I’m going to try to enjoy my good news in the meantime.

We told my parents and M’s parents, and I also told my friend who went through IVF last year (same clinic, same RE). My friend who went through IVF totally understands how I’m feeling, but was also super excited. My parents were happy to hear the news, but they were a little cautious because they understand it’s still really (REALLY) early (I’m only 9dp5dt today). My mom, especially, is keeping any excitement in check for now. M’s parents are trying to be cautious, but I think their excitement is overruling their attempts for restraint right now. That’s fine with me, though. It’s actually sort of nice to see them so excited! In some ways, seeing my own parents be so cautious just reinforces my own fears – although I completely understand their reaction.

I’m excited, but (sort of like my mom, I guess), I’m just not quite able to really embrace it yet. I mostly feel relieved – that the cycle went so well, and that at least one of the embryos appears to have implanted. I want to just live in the moment and be happy that we’ve come as far as we have, but it’s like my mind won’t let me. It’s self-protection, I guess. I am still having some mild cramping on and off, which I know is normal but also makes me nervous.

I’ve been thinking about something since the cycle started that I couldn’t put into words, but I realized this morning what it is. When we started this cycle, I didn’t know what to expect or how I’d respond. I was prepared for the worst. As we crossed each hurdle, though – a good retrieval, good fert. report, quality embryos – the possibility of success became that much more real, and failure became a harder concept to accept. I started all this thinking that I had no idea if we would actually end up with a baby, but at least we would know we tried. When I saw that things were going well, my thinking shifted, and I started to think that even if this cycle didn’t work, another might, and that we really could one day be parents. The better things went, the more there was to lose. And that’s true now more than ever.

I really don’t want to think that way, and I’m sure that getting another good report on Monday will be reassuring. I am happy, but instead of being jump-up-and-down-excited like I thought I’d be, I feel more grateful and kind of quiet than anything else.  I’m happy, but in disbelief. It’s probably just as well – I’m not supposed to be jumping up and down anyway. 🙂

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