I’ll be five weeks tomorrow. I think it’s weird that my transfer was only two weeks ago and I’m already supposed to be five weeks pregnant, but I guess I won’t argue with the professionals on this one.

I haven’t written much because I’m still in disbelief, and I alternate between being excited and being worried. I don’t even know if worried is the right word, because I’m not thinking about anything specific. I find myself throughout the day begging that things will be o.k. I look online for some kind of reassurance, but it’s not even like Dr. Google can help me, because I don’t have any specific concerns. I just want it to all be ok.

It such a bizarre feeling – almost like being in limbo. I feel like I’m straddling two worlds, and on one hand, I am so incredibly thankful and grateful and happy that we’ve gotten this far. No matter what, this is the furthest we’ve ever gotten, and that’s a big deal. Until I hear otherwise, we are having a baby, and that’s pretty freaking exciting. On the other hand, though, I’m paralyzed. I have no way of knowing what Monday’s blood test will show, and I’m just sort of hanging around in early pregnancy land waiting for blood work and the ultrasound. I have a good feeling about it, which is saying a lot for me, but it almost makes the whole thing scarier. I’m just so ready to let it all go and just be blindly optimistic, like I would have been 10 years ago.*

I’m also realizing how little I know about pregnancy. I’ve collected a lot of infertility information over the past ten years, and I know a whole lot now about the female reproductive system. I’ve never really worked my way past that, though, because I didn’t really have much reason to. I threw away the pregnancy book my SIL gave me years ago. I ordered a new one from Amazon yesterday, which I felt could be premature, but whatever – there’s some stuff I need to know! I also need to find an obstetrician (my dr. is just a gynecologist), but I’m holding off until the ultrasound for that one. Only 11 days to go. In the meantime, I’m going to just keep begging and hoping for the best.


*While my current husband and I have been ttc for four years, I lost my ttc innocence 10 years ago in my first marriage.