I used to wonder why so many people stopped updating their blogs once they got pregnant after dealing with infertility. Now I know…or at least I know why I have.

It’s because it’s totally weird.

I know there’s the physical stuff – being tired, feeling nauseous – but for me, it’s the mental aspect that leaves me sort of quiet, I guess. I really just don’t know what to say.

It’s such a strange feeling to just about come to terms with the fact that you may never have a child, go through the ups and downs of an IVF cycle, and then find out that you’re pregnant. I expected when I first found out to be jumping up and down with excitement, or maybe crying tears of joy (although I am really not much of a crier, so that’s probably an unrealistic expectation), but really what I felt was relief, and maybe some fear. Each time I waited for the results of my bloodwork, it was the same – more fear, and more relief. People kept asking me if I was excited, and I would usually say something like ‘yes, but it’s early, so I’m just really cautious.’ Really, though, it’s hard to be excited when you’re slightly freaked out the majority of the day. I want to let it all go and just enjoy things, but it’s hard. I feel SO lucky and grateful, but there’s a part of me that just can’t believe it. I still just find it hard to believe we’re actually going to have a baby. After four years of trying, giving up, and trying again, we’re really going to have a baby?

We went to a party on Friday, and some of the people there knew I was pregnant (we aren’t telling tons of people but aren’t super secretive about it, either). I hadn’t seen them in ages, and it was bizarre to be talking to them about pregnancy symptoms, obstetricians, and childbirth. It was so awesome, in some ways, but surreal in others. I almost feel like an imposter – or that I imagined the whole thing – and that any day now I’ll find out I’m really not pregnant at all.

Yesterday, we had our first ultrasound, and we saw the heartbeat. To say it was a relief was beyond an understatement. It was amazing and awesome and so much better than I thought it would be. It was like some of my fears just floated away with that sound.

I can’t say I’m not scared anymore, and I’m still freaking out a little bit multiple times throughout the day. But, it is getting a little easier. I think (and hope) that I’ll feel more secure with each day and week that passes, and that by the time we hit the second trimester, I’ll feel like we’re actually having a baby.