Harder than I Thought

My first OB appointment was on November 26. I was nervous about it…I liked the safety of the RE’s office, and I had to pick an obstetrician because my gynecologist doesn’t practice obstetrics any more. I really enjoyed that fact until now, when I actually needed one.

It was a strange experience. I was nervous, although I don’t know why, really. I kept looking around the room at all the pregnant people feeling almost a little resentful, and then I’d remind myself that I was, in fact, pregnant, too. I feel like I prepare myself for bad news before every appointment. Its such a mix of emotions…on one hand, I get excited and can’t wait to have confirmation that everything is fine. But I also start preparing myself for bad news, and hoping that everything is ok. I told people that I’d feel better when I heard the heart beat, and then that I’d feel better when I heard the heart beat a second time, and then that I’d feel better at the end of the second trimester. I’m still not there, so maybe I really will feel better then.

A lot of people think I’m worried, but I’ve realized that worry isn’t really the right term. I think I’m just in disbelief – that this could actually work out, and that after all this time, that I could actually have a baby. I’m so used to preparing myself for the worst and having to just accept that we would probably never have children that it’s hard to switch back – much harder than I thought.