You are currently browsing the monthly archive for October 2010.

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Moving has been consuming my life, and I haven't been posting as much as I should. It's easy to forget how involved it is to figure out a long distance move, but we are getting there!
 
I know I have thought of things I wanted to write about here, but moving details have taken over, and I can't remember what they are now. We're both super excted about our move, though, and I think it's going to really work well for us in the long run. Leaving where we live is hard…we got married here, bought our first place together here, and have been genuinely happy. I don't have a lot of close friends here (everyone we know seems to end up moving away!), but it's been a nice place to live. I just can't imagine us here in the long term, though, and I think it's good that M took an opportunity when it was presented to him. For one thing, we would each pretty much be stuck working for our current employers indefinitely. We both do pretty specific things, and there aren't any options outside of where we work now for employment in the area. That in itself is a little wierd, but would have been sort of tolerable (maybe). It's been strange to live somewhere that some many of our friends have left, and it's mainly because they wanted to live in a bigger city. Most of the people we know who have stayed are either ttc or already have children. This is a smaller town, though, and while I can appraciate the whole family-friendly aspect of it, it can be a tough place for someone who doesn't have children. Most people we know either have families in the area or have families themseleves, and we end up a little like outcasts. It hasn't been terrible by any means, but I think a bigger city might be at least a little easier. And, if not, that's ok, too.
 
It's exciting to be going somewhere new, and I feel like we're starting a new chapter of our lives. When I moved here, M and I were dating, and I really didn't know what was ahead for us. We got married, bought a home, tried to have a baby, dealt with infertility, and we are still whole. And now, we're moving on!
 
I'll try to post more frequently, but if I don't, it's because I'm packing, cleaning, or driving. 🙂
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>I have been really bad about posting lately, and I haven’t been good about commenting, either! I have been keeping up with reading, and I always intend to come back and comment, but before I know it, the day is over, and then the week…and I can’t even remember what I was going to say in the first place. Needless to say, things have been a bit hectic! We’re getting the condo ready to be (hopefully) rented, meeting with property management companies, and starting to pack. We finally found a place to rent and got that all straightened out (which I sear required more paperwork than buying a house!), and we decided on a moving company and reserved a date. We’re leaving in less than 3 weeks! While the thought of that makes me mildly queasy, it’s exciting, too. I’d be even more excited if I knew when I might get another job, but I am keeping my fingers crossed in the meantime. We can get by without my job – but not easily. If we don’t have a renter and have to pay both rent AND a mortgage, that’s even tougher. We did all the calculations and figured out it’s possible to pay for all of it without my salary, but it doesn’t leave much for things like food, entertainment, etc. I would feel a lot better if we at least had a renter – or if I had a job. Ideally, we’d have both!

Between thinking about that and trying to remember the billion things we need to do before we go, I have had a lot on my mind. I have lists all over the place, but I feel like I am constantly thinking of things to add! I am very much looking forward to some down time…even though it might be a few weeks away. M and I have been still having fun – which I think it a good sign with all we have going on!

I feel like I had some IF things to write about, but I can’t remember what they were. I think my brain has been taking over by moving! I’ll try to post again soon!

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We're in full moving/packing/getting ready to move mode, and things are starting to feel more real! It's super exciting – and still a little scary – but right now, I'm trying to go with exciting and not worry so much.
 
It's interesting how now matter what you do, something related to infertility always comes up. Some of them are unspoken…we're looking for a place to live and don't want to be surrounded by children, I don't really care to be within walking distance of an elementary school, and I don't really care how "family-friendly" the neighborhood is. We're assuming I'll look for a job, and get one, and won't be pregnant at any point in the interview process. We are looking at two bedroom apartments because we truly want a guest room, and we don't even mention or consider the possibility that it could be a nursery.
 
For some reason, people seem to assume that moving is a good opportunity to have children. Yesterday, my outrageously pregnant co-worker asked me what I would do when we moved. I said I would look for a job, and get one, I hope! She said 'maybe this would be a good chance for you to have a baby!' She looked so excited, and while I was tempted to explain that as far as we can tell, I can't have children, I just didn't have the energy or the heart to do it. I told M about it, and he said one of his coworkers/friends said something similar. Now, this person actually knows we've been trying, but he and his wife had children easily, and he probably just doesn't realize how much time has passed. I think he said something like 'maybe you'll have a baby!' M said 'probably not.' I guess the guy said 'you don't know…anything could happen!' and M said 'I think we DO know.'
 
It amazes me, though, how now matter what you do, infertility is really inescapable.
 
We're still super excited, though!

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Well, we got some good news last week! We are officially moving! M got a new job, and we'll be leaving in a month. No one at work (for either of us) knows yet, so it's like carrying around a little secret. I'll be hapy when it's all out in the open, but it's exciting either way.
We have a TON to do! It's almost overwhelming – finding movers, finding a place to live, finding someone to rent OUR place…the list goes on and on. And I have to find a new job – which I totally don't mind doing (I hate my current job), but it's hard to plan when we don't know how much money we'll have or where I'll be working. I'm confident that it's the right thing to do – especially in the long run – but it's a little anxiety inducing at the moment. I went from 'I really hope this works out' to 'holy cow we have a lot to do' and 'i hope someone hires me!' in a matter of days. It's scary and exciting, all at the same time.
 
I have moved a lot, but now that I'm a little older, it's harder. We put a lot of work into our place, and as much as I want to go, it's hard to leave it. My mother, presistent on highlighting the negative, told me how hard it will be to find a place to live that we like, since we've put so much work into our current place. Of course, she also said I may not get a job, questioned the stability of M's new company, and said that the amount of money we're getting for moving expenses is not enough. By the time we hung up, I felt twice as anxious as I did before we talked. It's so frustrating…my job is not to make her feel better about what I'm doing with my life. I don't necessarily expect her to be supportive or to understand, but she could at least not make things worse.
 
I am still excited, though! I think it's going to be a good move for us, and I think it will lead to good things. I just need to not talk to my mother about it. 🙂

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I realized while running last night that my ex-husband and I would have been married for ten years next month. In some ways, that doesn't seem possible! In other ways, though, I think of myself at 26 and realize how much time has gone by. When I look at it that way, it could have been 20 years ago. In ten years, I got married, dealt with infertility, got divorced, got remarried, and dealt with infertility again. Looking at it that way, that's a lot to pack into ten years.
 
A lot of my friends and I got married around the same time (when I was married the first time). One of my friends has also divorced, and another just had a baby. The others, though, now have children who are 7 or 8 years old. Most of them have two children. Sometimes, I look at them and can't believe they have children who are already in school! Other times, I think, 'that would have been me.' My other set of friends who got married later also started ttc around the same time that M and I did, and they all have babies that are 6-9 months old. There have been times I've thought, 'that should be me,' but really, this has gone on for so long (between both marriages) that it's beginning to be hard to imagine any other kind of reality. I have another friend who got married last year, and I heard through a mutual friend that she has started ttc and is concerned that she isn't pregnant yet. I saw this friend in February, and we talked about it a little then. She wasn't sure if they were ready to start trying, but was afraid to put it off. I guess they decided to go for it, but they haven't been successful yet. This mutual friend said she's trying not to worry about it, but we know her, and know she probably is. I planned to call her after talking to our mutual friend, just to see if she needed any support, but sometimes I just feel tired. After all this time, I'm sort of like the go-to person for infertility and ttc topics among both groups of my good friends (from high school and college). I'm really glad to help, and I hate to think of my friends suffering or feeling alone, but sometimes, it's not the role I want. It's hard to keep giving out advice, explaining options, and being encouraging when I am always stuck in the same place. A few of my friends have struggled to get pregnant, and I'm glad that they have healthy babies today, but it's hard to be the one who is always doing the cheering on. I want to be supportive, but it's not always easy.
 
On a more positive note, M is interviewing for a new job TODAY. I am so excited, nervous, apprehensive…you name it, and I am probably feeling it! This job would mean that we would relocate – and it's something we both really want. It's scary – we'd have to rent our place, I'd have to find a job, etc., but I think it would be worth it. I get nervous about the financial aspect, but I think it can work. I think sometimes, you have to look past the negative and not be trapped by fear – you have to take a leap and hope for the best. I feel like this is one benefit of being childless – we can afford to take a risk, so why not?
 
So…today will be a looong and unfocused day for me. I just hope it ends with good news!!!! I'll be praying and crossing everything in the meantime.

History

2014
May: BFP for baby #2, due January 2015

2013
July: Our daughter is born!

2012
November: Still pregnant. Fingers crossed! EDD 7/5/13
October: retrieval 10/12; 5dt 10/17; BFP!!! 10/25-hcg=70; 10/29-hcg=391
September-October: IVF, microdose lupron flare protocol
June-July-August: approved! dealing with scheduling issues and most likely starting IVF in September
May: waiting for insurance approval to start treatment
April: laparoscopic surgery to remove endometrioma on left ovary; diagnosed with stage 3 endo
March: RE finds cyst - suspects endometrioma; also high FSH, low AMH
February: consult with RE; bloodwork, hsg

2011
January-February: Acupuncture once per week, vitex and natural progesterone after ovulation; back to charting bbt
March-April: end of ttc
May:diagnosed with severe cervical dysplasia (CIN III)
July-August: L.E.E.P. procedure and recovery

2010
December: Start acupuncture
May-November: Not actively trying/on a break/enjoying life
April: Not actively trying, still waiting for insurance coverage for injectables
January-March: still waiting to start injectables

2009
December 09-March 10: On a break while waiting to start injectables
November 2009: 50 mg Clomid CD 5-9; BFN
October 2009: All tests normal; Take 50 mg Clomid CD 5-9; BFN
July 2009: Ob/gyn asks for bbt chart, S/A, CD3 b/w; plan tbd.
April/May 2009: Switch from OPKs to the Clearblue Fertility Monitor
March/April 2009: Start using OPKs and bbt

2007-2008
Sept/Oct 2008: Stop preventing; 'if it happens, it happens'
Summer 2008: Stop BCPs; using bbt chart to prevent pregnancy
May 2007: Married again! husband #2; no plans for children

Previous Life
Fall 2005: Divorced
Summer 2005: See RE; more b/w, clomid challenge test, sonohysterogram; 2 Clomid IUI cycles - BFN; male factor discovered (he now has a child with wife #2)
Spring 2003: See ob/gyn for IF, get b/w and HSG; All results normal; Husband #1 gets S/A, which he says is normal; results never sent to ob/gyn
Spring 2002: Stop BCPs, begin ttc and charting bbt
Oct 2000: Married to husband #1