>A Quickie

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I have been crazy busy lately and have been neglecting my blog. So, here's a quick update:

 

– My job is still totally insane

– I am still not pregnant, and I am hoping to not have any strange mid-cycle bleeding this month

– I love the way running has helped me change my view of my body as a failure, and I am thoroughly enjoying the experience of improving (except for today and yesterday, because I have a really sore leg)

– I have been avoiding my neighbors because I have a feeling the wife is pregnant, and I don't ever feel like I'm in the mood to be congratulatory

– M is soooo close to getting a job offer (in another state), and I am keeping everything crossed and hoping it happens!!! It's starting to make me a little crazy, but I can't stop thinking about it. The closer we get to this, the more we get our hopes up, and I'm so afraid of being disappointed. Wish us luck!!!

 

>Better

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I'm feeling better in a few respects.

 

First, I'm no longer spotting/bleeding, and I haven't been since Monday. That is good news! I still don't know what the heck is going on. Looking back, something similar (although less severe) happened in June. I have had occasional spotting when I ovulate, so that could have been it…but it still seems way extreme. My hormones could just be out of whack this month (maybe an unusually large dip in estrogen at ovulation?), but of course I wonder what else it could be. My abdomen was kind of achey the week before the bleeding/spotting began, and I started to wonder if I had a cyst or fibroid or something. Then, of course I started to worry that it was something more severe. Either way, I'm happy that it's resolved itself. AF is due sometime between this weekend and early next week, and I'm starting to feel my usual PMS-symptoms. Things for now seem to be back to normal. I'm due for my annual exam at my ob/gyn soon, so I'll mention this whole occasional bleeding thing to them and see what they say. Maybe they could do an ultrasound and see what's going on. Part of me hopes it's some kind of a link to my inability to get pregnant, but I would really rather the whole thing just not happen again.

 

I'm also feeling mentally/emotionally better. I'm guessing part of it is tied to my wonky cycle, but there's also been a lot going on that's frustrating. I had a difficult trip visiting my family and friends in my hometown that is still weighing on me. I'm not upset with them, but visits like that sometimes make me realize how distant I am from where I grew up. I don't want to live there, but between being childless and living somewhere else, I feel so disconnected. My life is so different than theirs, and as I get older, it becomes harder to relate. I used to put a lot of effort into staying in touch with everyone, but it's more difficult now. The people there are all important to me, and I care about them, but our lives are changing, and we're in different places (physically and mentally).

 

I don't mind where we live, and sometimes I really like it, but lately I feel like I'm ready for a change. I think being in my hometown highlighted that for me. I know a large part of it is my job, which I hate. I used to have a job with purpose, and while I didn't always love it, I at least felt like I was contributing and making a difference. So many of our friends have moved away, and while we've made new ones, it's not the same. They're a lot younger than I am, and really, they're M's friends. Usually, I try not to dwell on any of this, but we keep talking about moving, and that makes it harder to ignore! Since I first found out I was losing my job last summer/fall, we've tried twice to get new jobs and relocate. Both times, it's failed. Both times, I've wondered later if we didn't try hard enough or gave up too easily. Are our expectations too high? Are there options we aren't seeing? M is once again talking to a company who may or may not give him a new job. This time, though, things seem possible. I am keeping everything on me crossed and am really hoping this will be it. Knowing that a fresh start is within our grasp is so exciting, but we're so afraid to get our hopes up. I'm fantasizing about our new life while trying really hard to appreciate what we already have. It's just not always easy.

>Some Days

>Some days, I feel I can really accept our situation…the reality that we won't have children, that I won't be a mom, that M won't be a dad, and that M's parents won't be grandparents. I don't like it, but I can face that it's a reality…our reality, right now.

Other days, I feel empty. I hate my job, and I don't feel fulfilled. I know what's missing, and I can't avoid it. Sometimes, I feel like I can deal with it, but then there are other days.

Some days, I feel like there are pregnant people everywhere I go. I went to Amazon.com for a new exercise video, but they kept advertising videos for pregnant people. I looked at the sale area on the website of an online store, and I ended up being in the area for maternity clothes.

I know we can handle this, but some days are harder than others.

>Pesky Uterus

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Generally, I have pretty regular cycles (27-29 days) with a fairly short lp (around 11 days). Every now and then, things vary. I remember when I first went off the pill, I had a few 28 days cycles, and then a few that were more 32-34 days. In June, I had a cycle that was only 24 days, which was strange. I also had some bleeding around ovulation, which was also odd for me. I've had spotting, or some pink-tinged cm, but this was more than spotting. It only lasted for part of a dayday, so I didn't think too much about it, but I did make a note in my calendar.

 

Last week, the same thing happened. I had some bleeding on Thursday, and then it disappeared. On Friday, I had some spotting, but I Saturday, I had nothing. On Sunday, I had some bleeding again, but only for an hour or so, and now it's back today. I thought it seemed like the beginning of my period today, but I don't have any cramps. I was going to count today as CD 1, but but it's gone again. It's really unusual, and it's getting annoying. I don't know if I should be concerned, or just aggravated. Either way, I don't like it!

>Expanding

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I was watching one of those shows on HGTV last night – either House Hunters or First-Time Homebuyers. The couple had been married for a year and was looking for a home. They said they wanted four bedrooms, and they wanted it in a family-friendly neighborhood, for when they decide to start a family. All I could think was, 'What if you try to have children, and can't have any? How will you feel then about your four bedroom house and family-friendly neighborhood?' I wasn't necessarily wishing ill will on them, but the expectation that anyone who wants to have children will be able to just kills me! M said he felt the same way. We laugh about it, but it does drive me a little crazy.

 

The wife kept saying that they wanted to settle into a new home and establish roots before they "expand." I know she meant 'expand our family,' but something about the phrase made me laugh. It sounded like she was talking about owning a business. Maybe I should start telling people that we had planned for an expansion, but it hasn't worked out. On the other hand, maybe they planned on gaining weight, and expanding that way? In that case, I don't see the need for four bedrooms. 🙂

 

M and I talked last night about our group of friends. We're older than most of them, and one of the couples is going to start ttc (and yes, we all know about it). The other couple already has a baby, and the third is getting married soon. We realized that before long, we'll be on our own.